How do you define courage?

Being a single working woman takes courage–in our society or anywhere. Being a single working mom takes even more courage. Just saw a movie on Netflix instant view about a single working mom in 1960s-70s Poland who quietly spearheaded a movement that turned into a massive triumph for labor rights. After numerous struggles–she didn’t even know how to read or write and had to learn that in order to get a job running a crane that would allow her to work somewhat fewer hours each week than her former welding position–and including watching overworked fellow workers die in fires related to crappy work conditions, she suffered jail, beatings, firing, and more. Her championing the cause of fairness to workers eventually led to an industry-wide strike that at last crippled the Polish “party” politicians who’d taken over the oppression of the workers after Hitler was kicked out.

The bonus is that embedded in the film is a beautiful, though brief, love story.

Most of us aren’t firebrand activists and never will be. But God bless the people who are willing to sacrifice so much to fight for justice. Check it out on Netflix–it’s called simply Strike. You won’t find it on Amazon.

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Barbara, January 6th 2010 | Posted in single mom, single mothers, single woman, single working mom, single working women

Reflections: end of year clearing out

Wow. The end of a year full of challenges and changes. How’s yours been? Business has been suffering for lots of folks lately. Surprisingly, many married folks I know this year asked their spouses to go out and earn some extra income. No second earner can be a definite disadvantage to being single when times are tough!

But I’ve learned to cut down (well, some) on the drama surrounding challenges. Getting older is leading me to get quite philosophical about both the passing of time and the shifting in my various worlds. No matter what’s happening–health, finance, family–it feels like just another day…and yet each day seems more precious than it used to be.

house_cleaningDoing a thorough clearing out of my possessions. It’s feeling good to lighten up my life. Gave some of my good things to family for Christmas–that was fun. The pundits say that we must clear out the old in order to let new good things come into our lives.

Come on, Good! I’m making lots of room.

My best wishes to all single working women and everyone for a blessedly peaceful and prosperous new year.

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Barbara, December 29th 2009 | Tags: , ,
Posted in Christmas, Uncategorized

Single women at Christmas

300px-JChristmas_painting

Here's to hearing angels on high all year long

Single women have pretty much the same array of choices for spending Christmas day as non-singles. Some will spend it with family, some with friends, some alone (e.g., the non-single woman who is estranged or separated from her mate—or wishes she was). Some will get Chinese food and see a movie, some will rest and read, some will clean or perform other chores.  Some will volunteer at soup kitchens. Some will exercise their creativity—cook, write, paint, play music.

Some, like me, will hang out with their grandchildren and see Christmas again through the eyes of the child. Some of us have spent hours planning, shopping, and wrapping. Some have foregone this practice and decided just to share themselves in some way.

Some of us, like me, who are moving, may be practicing the art of letting go—there’s a joy in releasing stuff to do good elsewhere in the universe. I’m pleased that I can give some of my treasured things to my family members this year. This Christmas I decided to do a little of each: “shopping” from my own possessions, wrapping, and writing about my move within Chicago.

Whatever you’re doing this year, try spending a few minutes every hour just stopping and feeling your feelings. Regard them with respect and tenderness. Send love and appreciation to yourself for all that you do, for all that you share with others, and for all you contribute to the world around you. And while you’re doing that, be sure to express your love to people and send appreciation out to all those who touch your  life.

Merry, merry Christmas to all the wonderful single women in the world. Extra good wishes to all the single mothers who work so hard to make Christmas special for their kids.

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Barbara, December 24th 2009 | Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in Charles Dickens, Chicago, Christmas, SWWAN, Uncategorized, appreciation, busy single working women, holidays, let your light shine, single mothers, single women, single working women

On living sparely yet generously

I’m moving in a few weeks. In preparation I’ve been sifting through my accumulated stuff. Interesting what I thought was essential when I downsized to move to my Chicago condo. Now I’m turning my heart and mind to starting a new, modified-minimalist approach to living–i.e., stop holding onto so many objects.

One nice part of this process is being able to choose things from among my Christmas candles and cookiessurroundings that I think my family members might enjoy having. Haven’t wrapped this many Christmas presents in a long time.

My daughter points out to me that it’s nice to live so that you have absolutely anything and everything you could possibly need should you decide one day to repair an appliance, wrap a massive package, or create a special gourmet dinner that requires an unusual herb or spice. Being able to be creative at will, without having to go to the store to buy items, has been fun all these years. But the fact is, the closer you live to the center of a great metropolis, the less space you get for the same money.

Now, as I read recently in Frenchwomen Don’t Get Fat, there is beauty in planning what you will eat for only a day or two and walking to the store to buy just what you need. There is luxury in making and enjoying a very small serving of any wonderful dish that strikes your fancy–including those with such rich and decadent ingredients as heavy cream and dark chocolate.

In my current Chicago neighborhood I can walk to two different grocery stores, but neither one of them carries even slightly exotic or unusual items. I can’t get, for example, leeks at either place. Even something as basic as basil isn’t a staple in Hispanic groceries.

The new neighborhood, Lakeview, while it doesn’t have a reasonably priced grocery store in walking distance has dozens of other places to get what you need. I look forward to exploring it.

But most of all, I look forward to living even more in the moment. Like the Japanese who make a prayer out of making and serving tea, I will try to  complete the steps to each task with full attention and appreciation. From walking through a snowstorm to the store, to riding the bus through Lincoln Park to downtown, to lighting candles and gazing out my new windows down the lovely street where I had my first apartment at age 19, I relish the chance to practice living my life sparely yet generously.

May your thoughts be warm and your heart full of love this blessed Christmas week.

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Barbara, December 21st 2009 | Posted in Christmas joy, Christmas lights, Christmas music, Uncategorized, candlelight

Inspiration for women in abusive relationships

Internet Penetration (% Population).
Image via Wikipedia

It’s often not a simple matter to change things—or get out—when you’re in a relationship that hurts you in some way. But listening to other women offer encouraging words can be a powerful way to help yourself.  The Internet can be a source of help for women all over the world.

A SWWAN partner, 1000 Women Can Change the World, has started a new website where you can download recordings made by women who’ve been there, women who know how you feel–who “get” what you’re going through.

You’ll be safe looking at the material—it won’t show up in your Internet history—and there’s even a “quick escape” button you can use in case you need to close the window fast.

It’s sad to think of having to hide what you do. And even sadder to think you might have to go through another holiday season feeling that way. Take a look and be inspired.

I hope your Thanksgiving was warm and full of love and kindness and good food. If it wasn’t, we hope to be a source of comfort and inspiration in the year to come and beyond.

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Barbara, November 29th 2009 | Tags:
Posted in abusive relationships

Bed sheets and procrastination cogitation

Ever feel like you just can’t find the oomph to do something new? Or to take the next step on a project that’s been hanging over your head for weeks or months? Writer’s block is like that. You know perfectly well there are a million things you want to say, and yet when you think about going to your blog, you decide there are 50 other things you have to do that are more urgent.

A typical single working woman’s Sunday: Make a deposit, update your records, wash and change the bed sheets,Clean bed sheets can be an accomplishment
take out the garbage, pack up and take out the recyclables, make a pot of soup, pet your dog/cat/rabbit, go to the grocery store, return books to the library, get the car washed, count the loose change in your purse and do something with it, record your receipts, pick up the clothes in the bathroom, and…well, you get the idea.

Some folks say if you just start writing–don’t think about what you’re going to say–you can get the juices flowing that way. Last week my sister, a professional paralegal, agreed to come over and help me get rolling to complete the application to the IRS for 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status for the SWWAN Foundation–a project that’s been sitting there for months in varying states of forward movement. We made good progress ’til our brother arrived and it was time to have a glass of wine and cook supper. Guess what? Still got a few sections to go.

Ah, well. Just think. There are days when I might have been going through personal email all morning instead of doing all those chores I got done today (well, almost all of them). So it seems that, in fact, one day’s procrastination is often another day’s accomplishment.

It’s all in how you look at it.

Image credit: Wikipedia

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Barbara, November 15th 2009 | Tags: , , , ,
Posted in Uncategorized, multitasking, procrastination

Finding joy: go around the boulder

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will
tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

- Buddha

Got this gem from my HearthMath quote of the day list. Can’t you just picture the Buddha sitting there with his twinkling eyes and big round stomach (I love the laughing Buddha carvings), encouraging us to laugh with him at our own foibles and the absurdities of this life? When I was a kid and got angry about something bad that I was sure wasn’t right, I often used to choke out the words, “It’s not fair!” through my tears and frustration. And my mom would whirl around, angry herself then, and hiss back at me, “Who told you life was fair?” My mom and dad, like so many in the world, had more than their share of unfair things happen to them–from dysfunctional parents, stays in orphanages, and grinding Depression poverty, to losing a beloved first son and killing to keep from being killed in World War II.

I didn’t get it then. Didn’t really know what she meant. I’ve learned since then, of course, but I can imagine how much quicker and easier the lesson would have been if we’d both known about Buddha’s philosophy and been able to take his words to heart. How do we turn tragedy into laughter?

Today, when things aren’t fair, I don’t like it any better than I did as a kid. But I’ve come to accept that this is the way life and people can be. It’s like in the little kids’ Nick, Jr. show where Moose’s friend, the blue bird Zee, is in a race and arrives at a big boulder in the path. And Moose asks the kids watching, well, should Zee go AROUND the boulder or try to go under it?

If we accept that boulders are simply part of life, we learn to use our creativity to go around them and get back on path. If we accept that we might not even finish a race, we can still choose to do the best possible job—and enjoy the work we do. If we believe that everything is perfect as it is, we can find reasons to laugh at the sky even when things are at their blackest. Whether it’s a rotten economy, an abusive relationship, a crappy job, or a serious health challenge, all we need to do is come up with Plan B and Plan C—and even with the worst case senario—and we will always be ready to find the positive.

And when single working women reach out to support each other, we get an extra layer of cushioning to help us feel the joy.

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Barbara, November 4th 2009 | Tags:
Posted in abusive relationships, down economy, single women, single working women, single working women and the economy

Leave It to Beaver family values aren’t outdated

Leave it to beaver_Game_Board_01Watching an episode of the old Leave it to Beaver TV series from the 50s. Beaver is showing his mom some beautiful drawings he found in a sketchbook. Mom tells him they’re his father’s work. And Beaver decides he’ll ask his dad to draw his school poster for him. Mom, by the way, is dressed in an elegant shirtwaist dress with a ring of pearls adorning her slender neck and nonchalantly dabbing furniture polish on her perfectly clean rag and tenderly dusting the top of an elegant cabinet in the front hall. Looks just like the way most moms live today…not.

The lesson of the show was great. Kids need to do their own posters for school–not get their parents to do the work. But there was an interesting scene in the classroom. After two girls volunteered to dress dolls up in costumes of the American revolution, a boy raised his hand, too. The teacher sternly corrected the boy. “That’s not funny,” she said. “Everybody else thought so,” said the boy.

Makes me think of the changes that have gone on in our culture in the several decades I’ve been an adult. Interestingly, many modern parents who offer dolls to their young sons find the boys still tend to choose guns and tanks anyway—or at least dolls that turn into huge-monster fighting guys.

But the most beautiful part about Leave it to Beaver is how much the dad respects the mom. I’ve always remembered a quote I read years ago. “The best gift a man can give his children is to love their mother.” Beaver and Wally’s dad loved and respected their mom.

That’s one thing a child might miss when being raised by a single mom alone. But, oh, the wonderful things that baby may have with its single mom can be forces just as powerful–for the positive or the negative. It’s more about the mental health and self-esteem of the custodial parent, no matter what the marital situation.

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admin, October 20th 2009 | Posted in Uncategorized, single mom, single mothers, single woman, single women, single working mom, single working mother

On orders, women will torture as readily as men

Nazi Germany stamp - wikipedia_300pxMost of us have heard of the experiment done in the 60s where a bunch of students (mostly male) were asked to administer increasingly stronger shocks to a “subject” in the next room (another student who reacted with screams and begging as the “shocks” grew worse but was really not feeling anything).

A scientist just recently set up the same type of experiment and found that women were just as likely to continue administering the worsening shocks as men were.  Thought processes:

 

 

 

“Everyone was doing it” so it seemed to be okay.

The “victim” was in another room and couldn’t be seen suffering.

Because the authority figure ordered it, the shockers could feel the responsibility was his rather than theirs. “I had to do it. I was following orders.” (Movie: A Few Good Men. Nazi Germany.)

One of the conclusions the scientist reached was that seemingly women can be just as cruel as men, but they don’t often get the opportunity to do it in a public way or on a large scale–because jobs with that kind of power are taken by men.

I’m remembering a line from some movie (if anybody remembers the title, please share). In one scene a wise older black man was talking to his friend (or son or brother). He said something to the effect, “Don’t be so judgmental of white people. If the situation were reversed, that would be us.”

So does it come down to who’s got the raw power? Or is it more about enlightenment? The ability to put yourself in another’s place and apply the Golden Rule, even though it might cost you something. Does it mean any one of us would do anything to preserve our own social standing/reputation? But what if the price is life?

Soldiers—men and women—around the world face these kinds of issues regularly. Check out Demi Moore’s tough performance in the movie GI Jane. The movie Courage Under Fire with Denzel Washington and a surprising Meg Ryan is a powerful story of what a brave female officer went through to defend her right to command—and to protect her men. And here’s a website about women in the military.

Let us pray for all soldiers to be safe, and for days to come when no one will have to make those kinds of choices.

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Barbara, October 20th 2009 | Posted in women relationship with father

“Divorced” is single, too

Divorce 401 – the advanced stuff most of us don’t know

Many of us single women were not always single. And for those of us who are divorced, our perspectives on living single might be slightly different.

A while ago I talked with Christina Rowe, author of “Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce-What every woman needs to know,” about her work with and for divorced women. I asked her what made her write this book, and here’s what she said:

Christina: The obvious one is that I went through my own hellish nightmare when I got divorced. But the other reason is that I am passionate about helping women get through that experience and live successfully as quickly as possible afterwards.

Barbara: Boy, I wish I’d had some help like that when I got divorced. But you know, the Internet wasn’t around when I was going through it. What’s your take on how the Internet has changed realities for women?

Christina: The Internet has made it easy for women to access valuable information about the divorce process and educate themselves. There are also many online divorce forums and support groups, so you can communicate with other women in the same situation as you.

Barbara: You say about your book: “If you are a woman getting divorced you must know how to protect yourself, your children and your future. Everything is at stake now. Do not assume your husband will be fair, divorce is war.” Strong stuff. But totally spot -for the experience that many women go through.

Christina: The best way to get a divorce is to settle your divorce in a fair and amicable manner, but this is not always possible if your husband become adversarial and refuse to settle. Women need to know their rights and how to protect themselves and their children in the event their divorce turns ugly.

Barbara: Your book is a real how-to guide for women and divorce. You learned some really critical secrets that ended up getting you far more justice than you would have gotten otherwise.

Christina: If you are thinking about getting a divorce, it is critical you learn the divorce secrets to planning and executing a successful divorce.  That’s what I describe in detail in my book.  You need to take control of your divorce and find out what to do to make your divorce as painless as possible.

Barbara: I know you recommend other resources for women considering divorce, going through it, or having recently survived it. Can you share a few of those with our thinking-about-being-single readers?

Christina: If you go to www.secretsofdivorce.com, you can read a free chapter of my book, Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce. My blog is also full of information and resources at www.secrets-to-a-successful-divorce.blogspot.com

Barbara: What else should women know about your book?

Christina: You will learn the 7 steps you must take before asking your husband for a divorce, secret tips on finding the right divorce attorney, how to win in the courtroom, 7 signs of a cheating husband, what to do when your husband refuses to pay alimony and child support, the 3 essential things you must know to protect your children during a divorce, how to deal with the emotional aftershock of your divorce and much more.

If you’re a woman in the throes of the divorce war dance, attend one of Christina’s workshops and buy her book at www.secretsofdivorce.com/home.  Her book comes with a free 40 minute private coaching session over the phone.

Once again, check out Christina’s blog: www.secrets-to-a-successful-divorce.blogspot.com

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Barbara, October 18th 2009 | Posted in Uncategorized
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