- Image by Anne Carr (retreating…away..writing) via Flickr
Got a note from a single friend quoting her single friend who worried about ever having to be too close to a significant other again. Facing issues of abandonment, abuse, etc. that had come up in previous relationships.
Yeah, I used to feel that way so I know what it feels like. But not for years now. I was in dead earnest when I said after my first brush with a serious health challenge that if God wants me to have one, he’ll put the guy right here in front of me ‘cuz I ain’t goin’ lookin’ no more. If I even think about it, I mostly wonder whether I could even do it anymore–compromise and so on all the time. Would I not just love the person, but submerge myself into his life and lose “me” again? I’d like to think not. but who knows.
That’s one little-discussed benefit of remaining single: we don’t have to live out those thorny issues that unfailingly arise in romantic relationships. We are able to conserve that energy for growing our spirits and for gifting the world with the products of our creativity. Blessed is the woman who can maintain her own personhood while sustaining a relationship and also realize her gifts and talents for the good of the world. She’s a woman who is totally centered and whose significant other not only respects and admires her but is also centered in his own spirit.
My life is full to overflowing—with beauty, beloved people, and music and art. I crave and appreciate being in my own space and in complete charge of my own time. In fact, sometimes I use that as a gauge of whether I want to get close to a new friend. I love my solitude, and if I find myself feeling like I have to explain/defend myself about it, that ‘s not for me.
Took a day off work yesterday. Worked on my cookbook. No title yet, but it’s probably going to have single working women somewhere in the title or subtitle! It’s coming along–and as it does, I get scared that I’ll never finish. A book is such a long project. I’ve always shied away from doing something that long. Always worried that I lacked the discipline needed to stick with it for the long haul. And where will all that material come from!? Well, we will see. I’m finding that if I actually sit down and don’t let anything distract me, the ideas do come.
Maybe I’ll take another day off today. Oh, yeah, I’ve got to add our family recipe for chocolate chip cookies…I remember when I first made my mother’s recipe. She used to use Crisco, and I used butter instead. OMG, I was transported by the vastly richer flavor. And it made eating the raw cookie dough—does everyone in the world do that like we do?—even more appealing.
Beautifully said. This is a very good time in your life; you’re in a great place. Such times and places are different for each life and yours are not mine, but I absolutely understand and empathize with the thoughts you expressed so well.
Can’t wait to read the cookbook! I’m sure it will have lots of recipes calling for wine. LOL
I, too have finally come to decide that I’d rather embrace and accept and enjoy being single than keep making myself miserable searching for a partner. Thanks for this article…I know I want to get to this happier place, but I’m not yet there. Reading stuff like this, which totally resonates with me, helps me appreciate where I am a bit more. I do love my very rich life and have always loved spending time with myself – including when I was in a relationship. I think I just need to feed my brain with the right messages and not allow myself to get resentful when I see (or perceive) couples all around me…and FYI, I am a frequent eater of raw cookie dough for dessert! YUM.
Ellyn, you are one of the women I was thinking of who remains totally herself even though she is deeply engaged in a relationship with a husband of many years. Yes, indeed, lots of recipes with wine! ” )
And Diane, thank you for your heartfelt comment. I was past 50 when I had my epiphany about remaining single. If you are younger, it may just be a case of time needing to pass before it can feel peaceful and totally okay to you.
But our society is truly geared to couples–it’s not unnatural at all to feel a twinge of resentment at, for example, receiving second-class service in a restaurant. And it’s funny that many people think single women are an anomaly–instead of 51% of the population! If you haven’t checked out Dr. Bella DePaulo’s book, it’s an eye-opener. She’s a Harvard PhD who does scholarly research regarding singlism, and her book is called Singled Out: How Single Are Ignored, Stigmatized and Stereotyped–and Still Live Happily Ever After. If you’re interested, we have a few copies still available at a special SWWAN discount. Email sales at swwan dot org for more info.