A beautiful Valentine idea for all SWWANs and friends

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Thanks for this wonderful idea from Beth Bradfish, single-working-woman publisher of Express Harmonies and owner of Beth Bradfish, Inc. workshops and seminars.

A Heart-made Valentine
February, 2009

“Get out your scissors and paste.” Remember the valentines you made when you were a kid? How much fun was that?!

Here’s a way to do that again with a grown-up twist that promises a powerful impact.

Step 1. Thinking about your loved one, identify his or her three greatest strengths. If you need some words to choose from, try this list from Martin Seligman’s Authentic Happiness (Simon & Schuster, 2002): curiosity, love of learning, judgment, ingenuity, social intelligence, perspective, value, perseverance, integrity, kindness, loving, citizenship, fairness, leadership, self-control, prudence, humility, appreciation of beauty, gratitude, hope, spirituality, forgiveness, humor and zest.

Step 2. For each of the strengths you choose for your loved one, write down a recent admirable example in which he or she displayed this strength. (See #1 below for an example of what this might look like.)

1. Strength: KINDNESS

Example: Monday, before you left for work, you cleaned the snow and ice off my car windows. That was so kind of you and reminds me of all the kind and thoughtful things you do for me and so many other people.

2. Strength: _________________

Example:

3. Strength: _________________

Example:

Step 3. Draw a nice big red heart around what you’ve written and hand it to your loved one on Valentine’s Day. (And then wait for a big smile to break out!)

“What underlies this exercise is the importance of the ideal self, both in our own mind and in that of our partner. The ideal self is the image we hold of the very best we are capable of, our highest strengths realized and active. When we feel that we are living up to the ideals that we hold most dearly, we are gratified, and exercising these strengths produces more gratification. When our partner sees this as well, we feel validated, and we work harder not to disappoint our partner’s faith in us.” –Martin Selgman from Authentic Happiness.

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Barbara Payne, February 4th 2009 | Posted in Valentine card, Valentine gift, Valentine's Day

Creating a new vision of our world

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Love this idea. They’re called “common security clubs,” and they’re all about looking at our personal, national and global economic issues together with a view to understanding–and changing–the forces at work on us all. Groups of 10 to 20 adults meet, either independently or affiliated with an institution (religious secular or otherwise) for a minimum of 5 times and then decide how they want to proceed. This is a concept with promise for single working women battling things all alone out there–generating ideas where working together we can improve each other’s economic security.
 
Some questions to build club activities around:

1) Learn and reflect
Through popular education tools, videos, Bible study (if Christian church-affiliated), and shared readings, participants increase their understanding of the larger economic forces on our lives. Why is the economy in distress? How did these changes happen? What are the historical factors? How does this connect to the global economy? What are the ecological factors contributing to the changes? What is our vision for a healthy, sustainable economy? What are the sources of real security in my life?

2) Mutual aid and local action
Through stories, examples, Web-based resources, a workbook, and mutual support, participants reflect on what makes them secure. What can we do together to increase our economic security at the local level? What would it mean to respond to my economic challenges in community? How can I reduce my economic vulnerability in conjunction with others? How can I get out of debt? How can I help my neighbor facing foreclosure or economic insecurity? Can I downscale and reduce my consumption and ecological footprint and save money?

3) Social action
The economic crisis is in part the result of an unengaged citizenry and government. What can we do together to build an economy based on building healthy communities rather than shoring up the casino economy? What public policies would make our communities more secure? Through discussion and education, participants might find ways to engage in a larger program of change around the financial system, economic development, tax policy, and other elements of our shared economic life.

Great ideas. Thanks to Jillian for sharing. Read more here http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=magazine.article&issue=soj0902&article=we-re-in-this-together.

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Barbara Payne, February 1st 2009 | Posted in common security clubs, down economy, intentional communities, single working women

Ghandi movie gives half a lesson

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Watching the classic movie, Ghandi. Am struck by the fact that his incredibly powerful non-violent resistant efforts began in South Africa where they were highly effective because they were set up against LAWS. Yes, Indians had to carry ID cards when no one else in S. Africa did. They were required to do X and Y by law–a clear and present ruling against which they could fight.

How unlike the prejudice against single women in our society today. There are no written laws against which to stand. There are no formal regulations to contest. What single women face is only unwritten prejudices and informally sanctioned exclusions. Restricted or impossible access to loans, shame for being in need as a single mother, embarrassment at coming alone, without a "date," for a social or even a business occasion, missed opportunities because there is no man at the head of your business. The list goes on.

Even when women fought for the vote 100 years ago, both married and single women could fight alongside each other. And still the married women had the sanction of their husband's power behind them–or they risked divorce, at the time an almost impossible choice for a woman to give up the financial security (not to mention the social approbation) associated with marriage.

Elibabeth Cady Stanton was the married agitator. Susan B. Anthony was the lifetime single woman advocate. Blessedly they became closest friends. Today, the gulf between single and married is as great as it has ever been since the Victorian era and before. But the separation is more disguised because today single women have at least a greater chance of supporting themselves independently. Less room to be openly pitied–but no less room to be resented, stigmatized, ignored, or marginalized.

But then we see Ghandi turning to help his own country gain greater respect within the world community. Here is where we may take a lesson. There were no laws against being an Indian citizen. There were no laws against being strong and independent as a nation. But there was an overwhelming sense of unworthiness among the people. Ghandi said, “Poverty is the most powerful kind of violence.” So that is what Ghandi began to fight–the expectations, the systemic setup against success. That is where we can find inspiration for single working women.

Today we are creating change in the world.

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Barbara Payne, January 30th 2009 | Posted in busy single working women, gender prejudice, Ghandi, prejudice against single women, womne's right to vote

Want to star on TV? Opportunity for New York and LA single women

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Oh, how funny. Got an email from a casting director for a new TV show about dating. They say they’re going to give away a great trip, place to stay, etc. in another city–and I guess film your adventures. Here’s what it says:

NEW DATING SPECIAL FOR ABC Media Productions

Are you a woman age 25 to 40 who is successful in every aspect of life except one…finding LOVE? You’re climbing your way up the corporate ladder, have your own boutique business, or manage a hip new start-up company. You play as hard as you work…from the health club to the nightclubs. You’re cute, sexy; maybe even drop dead gorgeous! Yep, you’ve got it all…everything except the RIGHT GUY to share it with.

The men in your life are everywhere. There’s that successful co-worker that’s off limits, your brother’s gorgeous friend who looks at you as if you’re his little sister, and the guy at the gym that’s just not your type. In fact, they surround you…but for whatever reason none of the guys in your very crowded pond are your MR.RIGHT.

You haven’t given up hope that he is out there…somewhere…waiting…maybe even looking for you! If you could only get out of here and go somewhere…anywhere, you know deep in your heart that a new place filled with new people could change everything.

If you believe there is love out there for you, now is the time to throw caution to the wind. A romantic holiday completely planned and organized just for you. We provide the NEW CITY, the NEW DIGS, the NEW GUYS… even the plane ticket. You just have to believe in love…and get on board!

If you want to apply or you want to nominate someone, they want women who live in New York or Los Angeles. To apply or nominate a deserving woman, please submit name, age, occupation, city/ST, and a recent photo to rrcasting@gmail.com.

We don’t normally talk about dating or finding love–there are already plenty of resources out there to help with that. But what the heck, eh? This is a chance to be “discovered” and who knows where that might lead?

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Barbara Payne, January 29th 2009 | Posted in casting director, TV star, Valentine's Day

No lust here – Book Review: The Way of All Flesh

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This book is a classic, and I have always avoided reading it because somehow the title made me feel it would be prurient–like one of the romance novels you see in the grocery store checkout lines. Boy, was I wrong.

A New York Times reviewer called The Way of All Flesh “a time bomb of literature. It lay hidden in Samuel Butler’s desk for 30 years. When it was published after he died, it blew up the Victorian family and with it the whole great edifice of the Victorian novel. George Bernard Shaw, the free thinking iconoclast, called him the greatest English writer of the latter half of the nineteenth century.”

I loved the author’s observations on human nature. Butler wrote this with beautiful Charles-Dickens-type-English word choices and complex but elegant sentence structure. But it’s the incisive observations about people that make you want to turn down the corners of so many pages so you can remember the brilliant insight in this sentence or that paragraph. He thinks much more like a modern person than someone who lived in the Victorian era.

Living in a very small condo in Chicago means I have limited room for “stuff” including books. But this is one book I will buy and keep on my shelf. I look forward to letting it give me pleasure many times in the future.

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Barbara Payne, January 17th 2009 | Posted in Charles Dickens, George Bernard Shaw, observations on human nature, Samuel Butler, The Way of All Flesh

Bitter cold brings back a memory

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Unbelievable. It’s 15-below in my neighborhood this morning. I remember a time when I was a little kid. The temperature in Chicago that day was 16-below. We only had one car in the family and my dad took it to work, so we had to walk to school in all kinds of weather. But my mom was concerned about us little kids walking in the 16-below weather. So she made us wait until it was only 10-below.

The upshot, of course, was that I (a first grader) and my sister (then in third grade) arrived at school 90 minutes late. After I’d hung my coat up and taken my boots off, the nun who taught my grade stood me up in front of the class and loudly announced to the other students: “Look at the big baby. Everyone else got to school on time.” Ah, memories of my school career…

Anyway, we’re getting record lows all over the Midwest. Check it out: Imagine the heating bills. Two young single women I know had to move out of their apartment recently after only two months because for a small 2-bedroom, they were paying over $200 a month in heating bills–and that was before the mercury plunged into the minus-double-digit region.

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Barbara Payne, January 16th 2009 | Posted in heating bills, record low temperature, school memories

Chicago at night in 2009

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A ritual visit to the top of the John Hancock tower with two single women friends was a chance to talk about the positive energy that 2009 is already calling forth. New business and job opportunities, new and closer friendships, exciting ideas about living arrangements, and new understandings about existing relationships. And a profound shift in American leadership promises who-knows-what.

How is the new year energy manifesting in your life?

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Barbara Payne, January 3rd 2009 | Posted in Uncategorized

Reflections on changing the world

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Year-end is always a good time to think about what has happened in your life and what you’d like to have happen in the future. Was reading an article in Ode Magazine yesterday and found a story about a professor at Barnard College in New York who invites local Harlem residents to sit in for free in his philosophy classes. He got in trouble with the administration, but he told them these are his friends and they wouldn’t dare tell another professor his friends couldn’t sit in. Cool.

Anyway, he quoted Ghandi and I think it’s a perfect one for single working women, too. “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

Make the choices you really want to make–not those society would have you make. The single women of today who do work they love, who pursue successful careers of all kinds, and who build caring relationships with friends and family are demsontrating that women are in charge of their own happiness.

How many children are raised by a single parent because of divorce, desertion, or death? Why should a stigma be attached to single mothers by choice? The single women of today who choose to become mothers because they have not met the right mate are courageously living out their dream. They are showing the world that healthy, happy children can come from all types of homes–as they have always done.

The single women who face medical and financial challenges and find new ways to overcome those obstacles are showing resourcefulness and courage that is an inspiration to others in this profoundly down economy.

The single women of today who live alone or caring for an elderly relative yet find joy in work, play and friendships are embodiments of hope. They personify the energy, the creativity, and the courage that are helping to make the world a better place for all.

Merry Christmas to all. May we all continue to be the change we want to see in the world.

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Barbara Payne, December 23rd 2008 | Posted in African single women/mothers, be the change, busy single working women, Ghandi, living the dream, single mothers by choice, single parents

Pre-Christmas

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What do you do when you have a ton of work to do and you just can’t motivate yourself to do it? Hey, it’s a wind-chill of 16-below outside–the wind is ridiculous. And it’s Sunday, and I’ve got Christmas lights and decorations and flickering candles and Christmas music in here. Is it right that I should have to sit at the computer and not enjoy all that?

Well, part of the joy of working at home is the ability to work at strange hours like 4 am if you want. And I did accomplish a lot of personal chores today, so at least I don’t feel lazy. That means I will plan on one of those incredibly productive Monday mornings tomorrow. I can usually get more work done in 4 hours in the early hours–providing I keep the email program closed–than I do in a whole typical day with distractions.

Are you planning a love-filled Christmas this year? I am so glad to be alive and well and blessed with a 17-month-old little pistol of a granddaughter that this Christmas feels especially joyful and emotional to me. I hope you are feeling much love for family and for the whole human race.

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Barbara Payne, December 21st 2008 | Posted in Christmas joy, Christmas lights, Christmas music, how to get work done, how to stay motivated

Play review: The Seafarer – Dark humor and soulful considerations

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I was blessed to be able to attend this wonderful play at the Steppenwolf Theater in Chicago last weekend. I can’t recommend it enough–a totally engaging and moving story, beautifully set and acted. Congrats to Steppenwolf and the cast, author and director of this masterpiece.

Christmas Eve morning dawns dark and dreary in a little town in Ireland. We become eavesdroppers on a story of brotherhood, devotion, failure, loss, and shame playing out between several men in a dingy flat’s basement room. We see brother Sharky taking rough but loving care of his blind brother, Richard (played with great verve by John Mahoney, the actor who played down-to-earth dad to his radio psychologist sons in the TV series Frasier). And gradually a few other men drift in.

The play’s author Conor McPherson brings quiet poignance to the matter-of-fact stories of drinking and disasters the five men have been through. The men decide to play cards that Christmas eve night. And while the others are out fighting the back-alley winos (who have the nerve to be drunk and disorderly but, unlike these men, are doing it on the street instead of in their living room), the visiting stranger who’s joined them makes ominous pronouncements to Sharky about a deal he made one day many years ago for his soul. The drinking gets heavier; the betting intensifies. Dark humor graces this tale of life’s demons, and a surprise reveals the grace of ultimate redemption.

If you can only see one play this season (and you don’t mind serious content), see this one. But there’s also a second play by the same author running in the upstairs room. Good for the folks at the Steppenwolf Theater in Chicago.

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Barbara Payne, December 9th 2008 | Posted in Frasier's father, Irish humor, John Mahoney, play review, Steppenwolf Theater, The Seafarer
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