Single Working Womens Week – SWWAN

Divorce 401 – the advanced stuff most of us don’t know

Many of us single women were not always single. And for those of us who are divorced, our perspectives on living single might be slightly different.

A while ago I talked with Christina Rowe, author of “Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce-What every woman needs to know,” about her work with and for divorced women. I asked her what made her write this book, and here’s what she said:

Christina: The obvious one is that I went through my own hellish nightmare when I got divorced. But the other reason is that I am passionate about helping women get through that experience and live successfully as quickly as possible afterwards.

Barbara: Boy, I wish I’d had some help like that when I got divorced. But you know, the Internet wasn’t around when I was going through it. What’s your take on how the Internet has changed realities for women?

Christina: The Internet has made it easy for women to access valuable information about the divorce process and educate themselves. There are also many online divorce forums and support groups, so you can communicate with other women in the same situation as you.

Barbara: You say about your book: “If you are a woman getting divorced you must know how to protect yourself, your children and your future. Everything is at stake now. Do not assume your husband will be fair, divorce is war.” Strong stuff. But totally spot -for the experience that many women go through.

Christina: The best way to get a divorce is to settle your divorce in a fair and amicable manner, but this is not always possible if your husband become adversarial and refuse to settle. Women need to know their rights and how to protect themselves and their children in the event their divorce turns ugly.

Barbara: Your book is a real how-to guide for women and divorce. You learned some really critical secrets that ended up getting you far more justice than you would have gotten otherwise.

Christina: If you are thinking about getting a divorce, it is critical you learn the divorce secrets to planning and executing a successful divorce.  That’s what I describe in detail in my book.  You need to take control of your divorce and find out what to do to make your divorce as painless as possible.

Barbara: I know you recommend other resources for women considering divorce, going through it, or having recently survived it. Can you share a few of those with our thinking-about-being-single readers?

Christina: If you go to www.secretsofdivorce.com, you can read a free chapter of my book, Seven Secrets to a Successful Divorce. My blog is also full of information and resources at www.secrets-to-a-successful-divorce.blogspot.com

Barbara: What else should women know about your book?

Christina: You will learn the 7 steps you must take before asking your husband for a divorce, secret tips on finding the right divorce attorney, how to win in the courtroom, 7 signs of a cheating husband, what to do when your husband refuses to pay alimony and child support, the 3 essential things you must know to protect your children during a divorce, how to deal with the emotional aftershock of your divorce and much more.

If you’re a woman in the throes of the divorce war dance, attend one of Christina’s workshops and buy her book at www.secretsofdivorce.com/home.  Her book comes with a free 40 minute private coaching session over the phone.

Once again, check out Christina’s blog: www.secrets-to-a-successful-divorce.blogspot.com

The Magdalene Sisters. Incredible movie about the torture of young single women in 1960s Ireland–not the 30s or the 20s or the 1800s. Young women who’d been raped—and subsequently accused of soliciting a boy—young women who’d had babies out of wedlock and had their children taken away from them. Their parents and the nuns despise them for their youth and their attractiveness—they were considered “occasions of sin.” The punishment for disobedience in the prison/laundry was having your hair cut off—what a fitting disgrace for young women considered dangerous for their looks and freshness.

Wow, 1960s. That’s when I was a teenager. And I thought it was pretty bad to be a Catholic teenager in America. Who knew how the pooor Irish teenagers and young women were not only being abandoned, but imprisoned for who they were. In one scene, a young woman who’d lost her child began calling out that the priest who pretended to be so perfect was not a man of God—she screamed it over and over—and they came in the middle of the night and had her taken away to a mad hospital, though her prison mates knew well  that she was not.

They each received one orange for Christmas. Can you say Charles Dickens? Some 30000 women were detained at Magdalene “laundries.” The last one closed in 1996.

Single working women come in all shapes, sizes, ages, and spiritual and economic groupings.  So what do single working women have in common?

The biggest things we most likely have in common are the prejudices we all tend to live with at work and in our day-to-day dealings with the world. Despite the growing percentage of women who remain–or return to being–single (51% was the last official number, but that’s been over a year ago…), you still may have to prove twice as creditworthy as a couple to get a loan. You may receive significantly less in company benefits than a married employee. You may be asked to work longer hours and on holidays more than married employees. Where tickets and prices depend on double occupancy or special deals for two, you generally pay more to go on a vacation, rent a hotel, and so on.

And you may also be looked askance at for showing up alone at a musical or other event. People often avoid talking to a single woman where they might tend to be friendly to another couple. Your co-workers might think it’s okay to talk out of line about you and even to you–after all, you’re single. They may completely ignore you while making plans with other co-worker couples to get together. You may be marked as a target for unscrupulous vendors who would like to think they can hoodwink you about needed repairs or fair prices.

And what else? Your never-ending responsibility! It’s you who always takes the garbage out. It’s you who always shops for groceries, puts them away, plans and cooks meals, walks the dog, cleans up after it, makes the vet runs. If you have a car, it’s you who drives everywhere–isn’t it fun to be a passenger once in a while? It’s you who manages the money, searches for vacation ideas, handles the contractors, pays the bills, starts the car on freezing cold mornings, takes cars and machines to be repaired, and on, and on.

And it’s you who earns the living, cleans the house, and orchestrates a social life.  Oh, and if you’re a single mom, you’re raising the kid(s), too!

You should be rightly impressed with your accomplishments.  And at SWWAN we say, Hurray for you, single working woman. Your courage, creativity, and persistence are inspiring.

We salute your strength in making your life uniquely your  own. Hopefully part of that life is finding and cultivating lots of good friends who love you and can give you an occasional break!

It is miraculous how the Internet has opened up the world–especially for the many women who would formerly have been housebound or job-bound with little or no time or energy to dream beyond their situation.

Today women can reach out in almost unlimited ways–even single working women who are caretakers and single moms, the women who traditionally were even more tied to their busy schedules than most women. And even more amazing is the swarms of women who are dreaming of helping other women.

One remarkable woman entrepreneur recently dreamed into existence an enterprise called Investing in Women to help women entrepreneurs find resources. Leah Oviedo, the founder, has decided to kickstart her effort by offering a $500 micro-grant to some lucky woman seeking to open or expand her business.

The website content includes articles written by other entrepreneurs.
Visit http://www.iiWomen.com for complete grant application info.

Single women often have pets that are not just part of the family, but a rich source of affection and closeness and a ready source for the touch we must all have if we are to thrive in this world. Just petting your dog or cat can literally lower your blood pressure.

When a beloved pet dies, it can feel totally devastating to anyone, but single women might be even more vulnerable if they don’t have lots of people in their lives who like to hug, hold hands, etc. and whom they see frequently.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis talked about this last night in her session, “Surprising Truths about Being Single in the Workplace.” She’s a family therapist who also specializes in helping single women reframe their feelings about being single. Not “having a man” is not the worst thing about being single. She’s got some profoundly revealing and supportive ideas about this whole topic. Check out her website: www.drkgl.com