Single women at Christmas

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300px-JChristmas_painting

Here's to hearing angels on high all year long

Single women have pretty much the same array of choices for spending Christmas day as non-singles. Some will spend it with family, some with friends, some alone (e.g., the non-single woman who is estranged or separated from her mate—or wishes she was). Some will get Chinese food and see a movie, some will rest and read, some will clean or perform other chores.  Some will volunteer at soup kitchens. Some will exercise their creativity—cook, write, paint, play music.

Some, like me, will hang out with their grandchildren and see Christmas again through the eyes of the child. Some of us have spent hours planning, shopping, and wrapping. Some have foregone this practice and decided just to share themselves in some way.

Some of us, like me, who are moving, may be practicing the art of letting go—there’s a joy in releasing stuff to do good elsewhere in the universe. I’m pleased that I can give some of my treasured things to my family members this year. This Christmas I decided to do a little of each: “shopping” from my own possessions, wrapping, and writing about my move within Chicago.

Whatever you’re doing this year, try spending a few minutes every hour just stopping and feeling your feelings. Regard them with respect and tenderness. Send love and appreciation to yourself for all that you do, for all that you share with others, and for all you contribute to the world around you. And while you’re doing that, be sure to express your love to people and send appreciation out to all those who touch your  life.

Merry, merry Christmas to all the wonderful single women in the world. Extra good wishes to all the single mothers who work so hard to make Christmas special for their kids.

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Barbara Payne, December 24th 2009 | Tags: , , , , , , ,
Posted in appreciation, busy single working women, Charles Dickens, Chicago, Christmas, holidays, let your light shine, single mothers, single women, single working women, SWWAN, Uncategorized

Finding joy: go around the boulder

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“When you realize how perfect everything is you will
tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.”

– Buddha

Got this gem from my HearthMath quote of the day list. Can’t you just picture the Buddha sitting there with his twinkling eyes and big round stomach (I love the laughing Buddha carvings), encouraging us to laugh with him at our own foibles and the absurdities of this life? When I was a kid and got angry about something bad that I was sure wasn’t right, I often used to choke out the words, “It’s not fair!” through my tears and frustration. And my mom would whirl around, angry herself then, and hiss back at me, “Who told you life was fair?” My mom and dad, like so many in the world, had more than their share of unfair things happen to them–from dysfunctional parents, stays in orphanages, and grinding Depression poverty, to losing a beloved first son and killing to keep from being killed in World War II.

I didn’t get it then. Didn’t really know what she meant. I’ve learned since then, of course, but I can imagine how much quicker and easier the lesson would have been if we’d both known about Buddha’s philosophy and been able to take his words to heart. How do we turn tragedy into laughter?

Today, when things aren’t fair, I don’t like it any better than I did as a kid. But I’ve come to accept that this is the way life and people can be. It’s like in the little kids’ Nick, Jr. show where Moose’s friend, the blue bird Zee, is in a race and arrives at a big boulder in the path. And Moose asks the kids watching, well, should Zee go AROUND the boulder or try to go under it?

If we accept that boulders are simply part of life, we learn to use our creativity to go around them and get back on path. If we accept that we might not even finish a race, we can still choose to do the best possible job—and enjoy the work we do. If we believe that everything is perfect as it is, we can find reasons to laugh at the sky even when things are at their blackest. Whether it’s a rotten economy, an abusive relationship, a crappy job, or a serious health challenge, all we need to do is come up with Plan B and Plan C—and even with the worst case senario—and we will always be ready to find the positive.

And when single working women reach out to support each other, we get an extra layer of cushioning to help us feel the joy.

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Barbara Payne, November 4th 2009 | Tags:
Posted in abusive relationships, down economy, single women, single working women, single working women and the economy

Creating a new vision of our world

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Love this idea. They’re called “common security clubs,” and they’re all about looking at our personal, national and global economic issues together with a view to understanding–and changing–the forces at work on us all. Groups of 10 to 20 adults meet, either independently or affiliated with an institution (religious secular or otherwise) for a minimum of 5 times and then decide how they want to proceed. This is a concept with promise for single working women battling things all alone out there–generating ideas where working together we can improve each other’s economic security.
 
Some questions to build club activities around:

1) Learn and reflect
Through popular education tools, videos, Bible study (if Christian church-affiliated), and shared readings, participants increase their understanding of the larger economic forces on our lives. Why is the economy in distress? How did these changes happen? What are the historical factors? How does this connect to the global economy? What are the ecological factors contributing to the changes? What is our vision for a healthy, sustainable economy? What are the sources of real security in my life?

2) Mutual aid and local action
Through stories, examples, Web-based resources, a workbook, and mutual support, participants reflect on what makes them secure. What can we do together to increase our economic security at the local level? What would it mean to respond to my economic challenges in community? How can I reduce my economic vulnerability in conjunction with others? How can I get out of debt? How can I help my neighbor facing foreclosure or economic insecurity? Can I downscale and reduce my consumption and ecological footprint and save money?

3) Social action
The economic crisis is in part the result of an unengaged citizenry and government. What can we do together to build an economy based on building healthy communities rather than shoring up the casino economy? What public policies would make our communities more secure? Through discussion and education, participants might find ways to engage in a larger program of change around the financial system, economic development, tax policy, and other elements of our shared economic life.

Great ideas. Thanks to Jillian for sharing. Read more here http://www.sojo.net/index.cfm?action=magazine.article&issue=soj0902&article=we-re-in-this-together.

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Barbara Payne, February 1st 2009 | Posted in common security clubs, down economy, intentional communities, single working women

A historic new day – change from the heart

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Congratulations to America on its new president-elect, Barack Obama, and the historic choice of the first president with African American blood. The early victory looks a lot like a mandate from the people for change. Now let us pray that our new leader will be up to the tasks ahead. I wish his acceptance speech had better reflected the climactic energy and hope that brought about his election. But he will undoubtedly grow there, too, as he settles into his role as a world leader.

Read an interesting commentary in Cat Thompson’s winter newsletter, written before the election took place. She talks about how our minds seem to have separated–through our Republican and Democratic divide–personal responsibility from social responsibility. She reminds us, along with other soulful musings, that we really are enough:

We are designed as humans to manifest exactly what we need when we need it. We have forgotten that we have this power, because we have been brainwashed into thinking we are supposed to have more than we need. This is a relatively new idea – less than a hundred years old – yet one we violently defend. What if it’s time to let go of that idea? What if we embraced the thought that we could always manifest what we needed when we needed it?

In this prolonged period of fear and economic uncertainty in our country, such an empowering thought is balm to the spirit. And the 60% of 93 million single Americans who supported Obama (according to a pre-election Gallup poll) are the leading edge–along with millions of young people–in the wave of independence and courage and trust that empowerment brings with it. Single working women have been taking care of themselves for generations. And on this new day, we can again affirm deep in our hearts that we are truly enough. Your vote made a difference in this election. Your passion and creativity are making a difference in the world.

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Barbara Payne, November 5th 2008 | Posted in Barack Obama, Democrat, presidential election, Republican, single working women, we are enough

Single women pioneering creative lifestyles

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That’s what Dr. Kay Trimberger observed in her ten-year study of single working women’s varied lifestyles. Single women today are pioneers–looking beyond traditional forms and breaking new ground to find ways to incorporate intimacy, connections with younger generations, friendship, sensuality, and so on into our lives.

She observed that the most satisfying single lives were supported by six pillars that the individual woman had mastered in some way:
a. Make a home – decorating, gardening, cooking
b. Work – meaningful, joyful but not workaholic
c. Network of friends and extended family – takes good social skills to achieve
d. Community – network(s) of connections through church, politics, work
e. Connection to next generation – relatives, friends, mentoring, other approaches
f. Sexuality – from creative celibacy, to widely varying arrangements with lovers, to other ways of incorporating sensuality

She was surprised to learn that the middle-class single women she studied came from the same types of typical middle class families as married women. They didn’t have significantly more or less dysfunction in their early lives–as many people would suggest as a reason why women remain single.

Perhaps her most fascinating observation was that the least happy single women she studied were those who put most of their energy into either finding or keeping a partner.

Dr. Trimberger urges all single women to claim what is good about their lives. That we should feel free to do what we want–not what society tells us to do. Listen to her thoughtful interview on the new pioneering single woman of today.

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Barbara Payne, August 17th 2008 | Posted in single lifestyles, single women pioneer, single working women

Raising our consciousness

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Many of us aren’t aware of the subtle and insidious ways that society disapproves of us for being single. A listener shared her reaction to the SWWAN Dive interview with Dr. Karen Gail Lewis the other day. We appreciate this passionate comment from her:

“As your interview with Dr. Lewis unfolded, I kept thinking ‘right on! right on! right on!”

“I sent the interview link to several coworkers – all professional women – who are recently or soon-to-be divorced and seem to be questioning why they feel so good about not having men in their lives. Dr. Lewis had the answer to that! I also sent the link to two friends who get depressed because they haven’t found mates, and to a career coach who had related to me that “research shows women generally have a tougher time in retirement than men” so they could hear Dr. Lewis’ challenges to biased research, ages-old cultural stereotypes and fears about single women.

“Her wise statement about being choosy in dating and getting involved with a man is key. Let’s drop the denial – there are many substandard men out there, men who are indifferent to women’s needs, their dreams and passions. These men STILL think women’s lives must revolve around them. No matter what planet they come from, I don’t believe it’s our JOB as women to teach these men how to relate. It was gratifying to hear my point of view validated! Here we are forty years into “liberation” and women keep selling themselves short – stop the insanity! As Dr. Lewis said, knowing who’s appropriate to let into one’s life, not just settling for anybody is key. That’s wisdom that should be spread far and wide!

“Thanks Barbara and Dr. Lewis for the great consciousness raising session and the resources you mentioned!” ~ S.W.

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Barbara Payne, July 22nd 2008 | Posted in being single today, Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, feminine consciousness raising, single working women, society, SWWAN Dive radio for women

Do you feel like communicating with other single working women?

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I didn’t mean to drive anyone nuts with those couple of posts from when I was at the media-connections conference. What I was doing was practicing using Jott (god, I love that new program–here’s my earlier post on Jott) to add posts, and using Blogger to send a photo with a post.

Anyway, if you got annoyed, sorry about that. Hope you’ll ignore it and come back to see what else is going on.

By the way, we have established a couple of different ways to connect — LinkedIn for SWWAN, yahoo groups for SWWAN/singleworkingwomen. Do you guys have a preference on how to connect with each other? I’m assuming you would like to communicate with other members, yet? Please email us to let us know your thoughts.

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Barbara Payne, June 16th 2008 | Posted in single working women, subscribers, SWWAN

Women and Work – Rutgers study statistics

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Why so many working poor women/mothers? Biggest reason is lack of access to appropriate training to increase skill levels.

A recent Rutgers study suggests online learning, conducted in easy-to-reach locations at off-hours times, is the answer. In a pilot program conducted in New Jersey, the results were dramatic. Average wages increased by 14% and many women in the program went on to enter college or community college programs.

ALL the women felt this online program was the only way they would have been able to access training like this.

  • Flexibility in time and location–Work around their schedules–Laptop computers
  • Helps alleviate childcare demands–Age of children is important–Family literacy effects
  • Helps alleviate transportation demands–Access to courses not available in local area
  • Participation in the program increases women’s confidence and self-esteem[italics mine]

This is becoming a recurring theme in my networking, reading and interviewing lately. That sometimes all a woman needs is someone to show her, give her the facts, support her curiosity, and help her fulfill her obligations while learning.

It’s a catch-22 for women. They want to be good mothers, good friends, good daughters, and–in the case of married women–good spouses. These are huge self-imposed–and society-approved–assignments that don’t leave much time for a woman’s own growth. But not taking time to nurture yourself can increase any woman’s sense of being less important than others.

Here are some of the study’s stats:

  • 2/3 of married women work
  • 60.7% of mothers with children under the age of 3 work.
  • 47% of women are on their own. 27% are single and 20% are divorced, separated or widowed.
  • Single women head 18% of all families.
  • Women’s labor force participation is expected to grow from 1.5 million to over 2.3 million in 2015.

In the nearly 40 years since the Equal Pay Act passed, the pay gap between men and women has only narrowed by less than a half. Overall, women earn about 74% of men’s wages. Compared to men of the same race

  • White women earn 70% of men’s wages
  • Black women earn 83% of men’s wages
  • Hispanic women earn 87% of men’s wages
  • 2 out of 3 working women earn less than $30,000 per year
  • 9 out of 10 working women earn less than $50,000

Many thanks to Dr. Mary Gatta for her work. View the complete Rutgers Center for Women and Work slide show here.

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Barbara Payne, May 23rd 2008 | Posted in single working women, women's wages

Problem? Get answers from your subconscious

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How often do you consult your inner genius when you have a problem to solve? I remember telling some members of a client company about how I often wake up in the morning and have these amazing thoughts about what to write for my latest client project…that I considered this information sent from the universe and not of my own generation. Like a muse, for which I’m merely the receiver. Oh, how they looked at me like I was crazy. We single working women–especially those of us who live alone–have an extra good chance of meeting this muse frequently.

I suspect they were mainly just too tired in the mornings to have ever noticed their innner guidance. Because I believe we all have it. Sometimes, it’s about trusting your ‘still, small voice’…your feelings about conscious decisions (Vera Nadine does a nice job talking about this), but I’m also talking about letting your deep subconscious give you answers that your conscious mind isn’t able to access. It’s a secret we can all use. Before you go to sleep, present your mind with a problem or issue you need an answer for. Then when you wake up (even to pee in the middle of the night even), stay quiet and listen. Don’t talk to a roommate or bedmate. Just remain quiet as you slowly wake up. Keep a pen and notebook handy next to your bed and a small light you can turn on without jolting yourself fully awake.

As you swim slowly up into consciousness, you are almost sure to hear ideas for solving your dilemma. If nothing comes at first, go back to sleep and let it happen again. You’ll be surprised at how original and creative some of your answers will be.

Caution: This works better if you weren’t partying too hearty the night before.

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Barbara Payne, April 21st 2008 | Posted in inner guidance, meet the muse, single working women, still small lvoice, subconscious

Stories that take us away

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When you think about a lot of what's on television these days–murder, gore, sitcoms, and reality shows–and the magical enchantment of the Internet, you might wonder if books have lost their power.

But all you have to do is find a good one and you'll likely be lost to those other blandishments. That's why at SWWAN we are building a database of book (and movie) reviews by single women. If you're anything like me regarding fiction, you may have a hard time knowing what to pick out at the library or at the bookstore. Everyone tends to rely on the blurbs on the cover–but what do we have in common with most of those reviewers? Not much in most cases. And even though we're all wonderfully individual, we thought it might be nice to get a recommendation from a fellow single-woman traveler.

One day we hope to start a star system like with Netflix where you rate for yourself and then they recommend other things you might like. For now we just take your description of the story (and a good quote if you like), and let you judge for yourself. So check out our book and movie reviews page and maybe start your own rating list.

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Barbara Payne, March 2nd 2008 | Posted in book reviews, movie reviews, single working women
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