Wandering thoughts–from relationships to cookie dough

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Got a note from a single friend quoting her single friend who worried about ever having to be too close to a significant other again. Facing issues of abandonment, abuse, etc. that had come up in previous relationships.

Yeah, I used to feel  that way so I know what it feels like. But not for years now. I was in dead earnest when I said after my first brush with a serious health challenge that if God wants me to have one, he’ll put the guy right here in front of me ‘cuz I ain’t goin’ lookin’ no more. If I even think about it, I mostly wonder whether I could even do it anymore–compromise and so on all the time. Would I not just love the person, but submerge myself into his life and lose “me” again? I’d like to think not. but who knows.

That’s one little-discussed benefit of remaining single: we don’t have to live out those thorny issues that unfailingly arise in romantic relationships. We are able to conserve that energy for growing our spirits and for gifting the world with the products of our creativity. Blessed is the woman who can maintain her own personhood while sustaining a relationship and also realize her gifts and talents for the good of the world. She’s a woman who is totally centered and whose significant other not only respects and admires her but is also centered in his own spirit.

My life is full to overflowing—with beauty, beloved people, and music and art. I crave and appreciate being in my own space and in complete charge of my own time. In fact,  sometimes I use that as a gauge of whether I want to get close to a new friend. I love my solitude, and if I find myself feeling like I have to explain/defend myself about it, that ‘s not for me.

Took a day off work yesterday. Worked on my cookbook. No title yet, but it’s probably going to have single working women somewhere in the title or subtitle! It’s coming along–and as it does, I get scared that I’ll never finish. A book is such a long project. I’ve always shied away from doing something that long. Always worried that I lacked the discipline needed to stick with it for the long haul. And where will all that material come from!? Well, we will see. I’m finding that if I actually sit down and don’t let anything distract me, the ideas do come.

Maybe I’ll take another day off today. Oh, yeah, I’ve got to add our family recipe for chocolate chip cookies…I remember when I first made my mother’s recipe. She used to use Crisco, and I used butter instead. OMG,  I was transported by the vastly richer flavor. And it made eating the raw cookie dough—does everyone in the world do that like we do?—even more appealing.

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Barbara Payne, August 17th 2010 | Posted in abusive relationships, Uncategorized

Angels among us

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The first few hydrogen atom electron orbitals ...
What does quantum physics have to do with angels? Image via Wikipedia

It’s been inspiring reading our guests’ thoughts during this Single Working Women’s Week. I want to end the week with something equally inspiring.

I’m thinking of a post I wrote years ago when I first started blogging. I used to write a personal blog called AngelsandFrogs. It’s gone now, but because it was early in my career as a self-employed copywriter and marketing consultant, I had a little more time to devote to thinking poetic thoughts. One of my favorite posts from that time—and I wrote it on a Saturday morning also—seems like a good way to end this special holiday week.

Long pause…like 24 hours.

Well, did you ever think you were going to find something, go looking and realize that whatever it was you were looking for is buried so far you don’t know if you’ll ever see it again? I had to start manually digging through all the 3 years of backups of my AngelsandFrogs blog. Needless to say, I didn’t get far enough before I had to interrupt for an errand.

Since I haven’t yet found the post I was thinking of, I’ll share this one from 2003. Just as relevant today (though it’s now Sunday instead of Saturday when I started this post).

Angels among us

“It is impossible to create any action that does not have value. You may not see it, but that is irrelevant. Live in the trust that when it is appropriate, pieces will fall into place and you will see clearly.” ~Gary Zukav, The Seat of the Soul

Gary Zukav studied quantum physics in order to present it for the layperson. Five years later, because he had been so profoundly moved by what he’d learned while he studied for that book, he wrote Seat of the Soul, another book in which he takes the lessons learned and applies them to the oldest, most insoluble questions of mankind–why are we here? does evil exist? what about “sin”? how can a “good God” allow suffering?

The answers he comes up with offer a kind of comfortable certainty previously available only to staunch adherents to various religious creeds. Hmmm. Gary Zukav admits he’s had great guidance from “non-physical guides and teachers.” Sounds a lot like old-fashioned “angels,” doesn’t it?

Our guest bloggers this week are just a few of the wonderful single women who could be said to be angels walking here among us. Thank you so much, ladies.

Ever ask a single woman, what can I do for you? Her automatic response is almost always, oh, I’m fine. Our next project ought to be helping single women learn how to let others do things for them! ” ) We’ll work on that for next year’s Single Working Women’s Week.

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Barbara Payne, August 8th 2010 | Posted in consciousness, seat of the soul, single women, single working women, Single Working Women's Week

Redefine “having it all”…guest blogger Chris King

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As Bella DePaulo says in the last post, having it all might just mean changing your lifestyle to one that accommodates your dreams and wishes—working just enough to pay the bills with plenty of time left over to pursue all the things you love. Today we’ve got Chris King—reigning queen of what she calls the “portfolio career”—a way to make a living that sounds a lot like what Dr. DePaulo describes.

I’ve known Chris King for a couple of decades—and we’ve run into each other in various pockets of our portfolio careers. And as a long-time single-again woman, she’s been an ardent supporter of SWWAN since its inception in 2006. Thanks, Chris.

I know one single mom who flatly rejected the idea of this portfolio idea—a.k.a. self-employment—and then the universe handed her an opportunity she couldn’t refuse. I suspect she will never go back now. So open your mind. If you’ve always had a full-time job (especially one that you hated going to), suspend your belief system about what it means to support yourself and listen along as Chris describes the joys and challenges of the portfolio life.

How to Work Full Time – Part Time … and Love Every Minute
by Chris King

It is believed by career forecasters that before long people who work one full-time job will be in the minority. As management guru Peter Drucker put it, “Corporations once built to last like pyramids are now more like tents – You can’t design your life around a temporary structure.” If you are already a free agent, independent professional, and freelancer, you may already have what I call a “Portfolio Career” – having many different careers rolled into one. In this article I am going to discuss “Portfolio Careers” – what they are, the pros and cons, where to find one, and when to start building one.

What is a “Portfolio Career”? To become a portfolio person, we must stop thinking in terms of having or not having a job. We need to take control of our life, make flexibility our credo, and develop a portfolio of different items, but with a theme. Rather than working for one company, you take on various projects and cultivate several clients. A successful “Portfolio Career” fits together bits of work in our life to form a balanced whole. There are different possibilities and different types of Portfolio Careers which include:

  • Working as an independent contractor for a specified length of time. And, then on to another career!
  • Working full time in one career, and adding on another or more part time careers.
  • Having a variety of part time careers.

Why have a “Portfolio Career”? The pros and cons. I tend to be a bit biased in this area because I have pursued a Portfolio Career for more than eighteen years and love it. During that time I have had as many as nine and as few as three different careers in my portfolio at a time. The pros in my case are the flexibility (one of my strongest values), the variety of working on many different tasks, being able to pursue careers that I love – but don’t pay enough to do full-time, the excitement that accompanies change and taking risks, and having creative control over my future – if I stop loving a career, I can quit because I have enough other careers to sustain me.

The cons are what every free agent, independent professional, and freelancer face: a lack of the stability afforded by a full-time job, paycheck, and benefits; feast and famine – being so busy it is overwhelming to having no set project lined up; having to deal with constant change and continual marketing and networking; and hearing friends and family say, “When are you going to get a real job?”

Where do I find or search for the careers to fill my “Portfolio”? I feel that when we are desperately looking for a career, it is hard to find. But once we have one or two and are exhibiting an attitude and appearance of confidence and professionalism, new career opportunities pop up continually. We just need to be flexible and confident about trying new careers. Areas of opportunity are all around us! Questions to ask yourself are:

  • If employed presently, what part time tasks are now hired out to independent contractors? What would I like to do or learn to do?
  • Is there an idea or ideas that I have for a home-based business, but have felt would not support me full time?
  • What skills and talents do I have that others would pay for?
  • What career(s) would I like to try, if I knew that I wouldn’t have to do it (them) forever or on a full-time basis?

When should I start a “Portfolio Career”? I suggest starting a Portfolio Career the minute you have any dissatisfaction with your present work life (or lack of work life), the minute someone offers you an opportunity (either for pay or for volunteer) that sounds interesting or fascinating, or when there are several career areas you would like to investigate. I don’t suggest taking on many different careers at the same time. My Portfolio Career has grown to include nine different careers over the years (adding and subtracting as a reasonable pace). The key to making the portfolio life work is planning, knowing what you are good at and being able to take risks. (This takes courage and healthy self-esteem.) Fill in any missing parts by volunteering, trying out new areas, taking classes, listening to tapes, researching and being honest with yourself.

To take The ‘Portfolio Career’ Self Test – or Am I Someone Who Would Love to Have One? click HERE

If you have questions or comments, please send me your FEEDBACK. And, if you already have a “Portfolio Career” I would love to read your story.

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Barbara Payne, August 6th 2010 | Posted in 9 to 5, Single Working Women's Week, Uncategorized

Can You Be Single and Have it All? Guest Post by Bella DePaulo

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If you want to learn about all the ways our society discriminates against single people, read Bella DePaulo’s work. She’s a Harvard PhD who pulls no punches calling out even high-flying groups like the American Psychological Association for their subtle “singlism” in language and attitude. She serves as a beacon for helping us do the consciousness-raising we all have to do before we get to the point where, as Morgan Freeman says “no need to say you’re proud to be black” and Dr. Karen Gail says in the previous post “no need to be proud you’re single,” we don’t have to say anything or prove anything to anybody about our life position.

With that, have at it, Bella…


When Barbara Payne asked me if I had a favorite life-changing moment as a single person, I immediately knew the story I wanted to tell. In fact, I had already written about it in my book, Singled Out. It was  the opening to the chapter in which I make fun of the stereotype that people who are single don’t have a life. Here it is (from p. 185):

After I moved from the East Coast to the West, there was a time when I knew I wanted to stay out West, but was not yet sure whether I could make that happen. Would I be able to sell my home in Virginia? Would anyone hire me for only as many hours as it took to pay my bills, so I could devote the rest of my time, and all of my heart and soul, to the study of singles? What about all the rest of it – would it all work out? Then one day, I got a phone call, and I knew that it had happened. I hung up and sat in quiet stunned amazement for a moment. Then I thought to myself, “I can have it all.”

It took a second for me to realize just how bizarre that thought was – at least by the prevailing standards. Here I was, stepping into a life in which I had no husband, no children, no full-time job, and for the first time in more than a decade, no home that I owned. Yet to me, I was about to have it all.

I doubt that I would have thought of my life that way many years before. I loved my friends, my family, my job, and my home, but I would not have spontaneously appropriated a cultural catch-phrase, nor refashioned it so thoroughly.

Years have passed since I wrote those words. I still have no husband, no children, no full-time job, and no home that I own. I could hardly be happier. I’ve made new friends and kept the old. I work as many hours as it takes to pay the bills (plus the time it takes to find the next opportunity that pays), then I passionately pursue my thinking and research and writing about single life.

I used to save up my money every year to spend a week or so at the beach. Now I live at the beach. Yes, I’m renting, but I can walk out my front door and have my toes in the Pacific Ocean in ten minutes. Or I can walk the many and varied trails. Or I can drive a few miles and pick up fruits and vegetables at the farmers market; my favorites sit colorfully and boastfully next to a hand-written sign that says “picked this morning.” I’d still love to see more of the friends and family who remain out East, but it is not hard to persuade people to visit me in the tiny town that is so aptly named Summerland.

Bella DePaulo (Ph.D., Harvard) is the author of Singled Out: How Singles Are Stereotyped, Stigmatized, and Ignored, and Still Live Happily Ever After and of Single with Attitude: Not Your Typical Take on Health and Happiness, Love and Money, Marriage and Friendship. She writes the “Living Single” blog for Psychology Today and also blogs at Bella DePaulo’s blog. Visit her website at www.BellaDePaulo.com.

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Barbara Payne, August 4th 2010 | Posted in 9 to 5, Single Working Women's Week, singles discrimination, singlism, Uncategorized

Ever “defend yourself” for being single? Listen to Dr. KGL

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Dr. Karen Gail Lewis is a great supporter of SWWAN. She’s been working with us for the past 3 years in many ways. We are thrilled to have her share one of her articles as our first Single Working Women’s Week guest blogger. Love to hear your thoughts on this tell-it-like-it-is post.

“Single Women, Stop Defending Yourself!”

“Proud to be single.” “Single by choice.”

Why do people who have not signed a legal document of marriage need to proclaim their feelings about their life position?

It is a shame women have to take a stance one way or another on their feelings about being single. Wouldn’t it be great if there were no more value judgment about being single than about the length of your fingernails? Sometimes they’re long and sometimes they’re short. But you aren’t treated differently because of their length. You don’t have to sing to the world that you like short nails or you’re proud of your long nails. Unfortunately, that non-judgmental thing is not the case in our society.

People who have signed the legal document of marriage don’t say they are proud to be married or married by choice. People in a majority (whether this is economics, racial, gender, or life position) take their place of privilege for granted. It’s only the minority [note from BP: Society’s conventions and rewards are designed mainly for marrieds and thus tend to make singles feel like a minority even though single women are now actually a 51% majority in America!] who may feel the need to sing out the praises for “not being married.” It sounds like what it probably is: a defense against others’ expectations – that everyone should be married. Too bad others often hear it as “Me thinks thou doth protest too much.”

Think about this: why do you need to laud your life position? If it weren’t that you are fighting off what others think you should do, would you need to?

I understand, though, I write as a woman who just turned 64. I write as a family therapist who specializes in singles (always single and single again). I also write as someone who has researched and published a lot about singles (see With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives). One of the many things I’ve learned is that singles of different decades view their life position differently.

Prior to age 30 people feel free not to have to follow society’s traditional rules. Women and men no longer feel compelled to find a mate in their 20s, get married, and start a family. There is more freedom to explore their social world, focus on career, hang around with the opposite sex, have sex – all without expectations that you must “settle down.”

“Settle down.” What a stifling phrase. It sounds like you can be yourself up until the time you “settle down” and have to stop being yourself. Settle down to what?

After age 30, though, women are continually warned about the “ticking clock.” While they may not feel pressured about having children at this point, others certainly are wanting to pressure them. And, by the end of their 30s, most women have given in; that ticking becomes deafeningly loud.

Once women enter their 40s, they either have to change their song or they have to put on a good front. It’s hard to sound proud of something that you don’t feel you have any choice about—the fact is, you can’t make an appropriate man appear in life. Or, you can put on a good front while you sing the old song, knowing it may no longer be in tune.

Women in their late thirties and older need support for not falling into the trap of having to take a stand on how they feel about being single. They need support for the variety of feelings they have—sometimes it’s great and freeing being single, sometimes it can feel sad or lonely [BP note: just like being married!]. And sometimes it’s not an issue at all. Women need support to avoid the self-blame for why they don’t have a man. Mostly, they need support to push back against our culture that pressures women into how they should be feeling as a single woman.

If you want information about a source of great support, check out my Unique Retreats for Women weekend. And, be sure to get your 15 Golden Rules For Being An Emotionally Healthy Single Woman.

Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, author of With or Without A Man: Single Women Taking Control of Their Lives, and other books for singles, is a marriage and family therapist (39 years). Her most recent book is Why Don’t You Understand? A Gender Relationship Dictionary She has a practice in Cincinnati and in Washington, DC. She is available for phone consultations, 513-542-0646.

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Barbara Payne, August 4th 2010 | Posted in Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, feminine consciousness raising, fending off questions about singleness, marriage favoritism, marriage in America, prejudice against single women, single women, single women in midlife, single working women, Single Working Women's Week, singlism, Uncategorized

A “Single Working Women’s Week” meditation

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It’s a candle kind of morning. Dawn came gray, then suddenly lit by a strange light, then darkened with heavy layers of cloud. I love the morning. So peaceful. So full of possibility…

Started reading The Artist’s Way last week. It’s a book that’s been calling to me for years, since I first heard someone talking about it. It’s a book that—should you accept this mission—forces you to think. About things you may not have wanted to think. About things you may not have bothered to think much—like what do you  really want to do  with your life? Things like what did you like and what didn’t you like about your childhood…stuff that you may have already—if you’re over 50 like me—thought enough about, thank you, and have no desire to revisit.

Rebel Yell
Creative Commons License photo credit: Rohit Chhiber

An interesting exercise. List five lives you would have liked to have led if you didn’t lead the one you have. My list came fairly easily—rock singer, motivational speaker, painter, biologist/physicist, lawyer. Then the next part asks what can you do in your life to honor that part of yourself? Hmmm.

I realized that I’ve unwittingly been doing something significant during my present life to include some aspect of all those other dream lives. It was a curiously gratifying feeling.

Rock singer – For thirty years I’ve been known as the “crazy lady in the back who sings” in the aerobics-to-music class. It’s been one of the greatest joys of my life to sing and “dance” that way.

Motivational speaker – I’ve been been invited to do many presentations over the years of my career. For each one I’ve always done my best to inject my passion about the subject and my wish to share important information. Takes a lot of work, can be a little nerve-wracking (depending on the audience), but it’s a powerfully satisfying feeling when I know I’ve reached the minds and/or hearts of those to whom I speak.

Painter – I loved to draw when I was a child. I dreamed of being an artist, but my parents firmly discouraged me and suggested something sensible for making a living. While I was married and raising my kids, I was fortunate to be able to study drawing and watercolor painting. Talk about a lot of work! Talk about nerve-wracking—having my first one-woman show was the most frightening and exhausting experience of my life. Even though I am an excellent salesperson, I’m much better at selling other people’s stuff. It’s weird when it’s your own work out there. Anyway, I’m happy to say I sold many of my paintings, and I’m pleased to say I still have a few on my own walls.

Biologist/physicist – I had an immensely inspiring nun teach me sophomore biology. She was a powerful example of a single woman who wasn’t afraid to exercise her individuality. How she got away with it as one in the order of nuns of  the Blessed Virgin Mary that taught us is beyond me. Suffice it to say, when I got to my first college biology class, I realized this was going to be way too much work. Still I read voraciously about pscyhology and metaphysics, and then branched into actual physics for the layman. I am passionate about the subject. And 30 years after that failed biology class, I became involved in writing to the Cleveland Clinic development department, and the flame of my interest was rekindled. I started writing a blog about bioscience, BioMedNews.org.

Lawyer – Ah, this one’s tricky. My very first job out of high school was as a legal secretary for the second largest patent law firm in the city of Chicago at the time. I loved the whole “lawyer” thing, loved their intelligence, their command of the English language. What I didn’t like was the way they seemed to view me as a second-class person, not worth their time or attention. I had come out of an all-girls Catholic high school where you were judged on your performance alone. By the way, it’s an experience I’d still recommend for any girl who’s been held down or made to feel less important than the males in her family or who needs to get out of her own teenage hormones and focus on her work.

Anyway, I ended up marrying a law clerk who worked at the firm—we actually had arguments about the meaning and use of words. What fun for a writer and a lawyer! I adore courtroom dramas (think I’ve seen every passable one ever made). And I write medical-issue-related blogs for a wonderful public-service-spirited attorney. Writing Mesothelioma-Advice.org lets me exercise my understanding of using language properly in a legal context. All interstingly gratifying exercises for my legal tendencies.

Now during this special holiday, Single Working Women’s Week, maybe it’s a good time to ask yourself those questions. What five lives would you like to have led if you didn’t lead the one you’re leading? And what are you doing now to honor those parts of your soul?

I hope you like your answers. And if you don’t, this is the perfect week to imagine into being some new ways to have fun with your dream lives. My way of bringing my painter back to life now is to join the Art Museum. I’ll be scheduling monthly visits with my sketchbook.

I’m wondering if being single lets us honor more of all our parts? Has it been true for you?
Creative Commons License photo credit: Rohit Chhiber

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Barbara Payne, August 3rd 2010 | Posted in 9 to 5, single lifestyles, single woman, single women, single women in business, single women in midlife, single working women, Single Working Women's Week, Uncategorized

Happy “Single Working Women’s Week”!

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August 1 – 7, 2010. It’s your chance to roar. To give and receive gifts of time and stuff. To celebrate the joys and talk about the challenges of the single life with your fellow SWWANs (single working women). Get some single friends together and have fun!

We talked on our radio appearance last week with Dr. Karen Gail Lewis about the need for consciousness-raising about being single—for general members of society as well as among ourselves. And as she and Dr. Bella DePaulo consistently point out, we need to develop a new language around being single—eliminating stereotypical phrases that subtly (or not so subtly) make being single sound like a shameful disease or pathetic condition.

And how’s this for an idea? A group in Florida has created a video game designed to help middle school girls resist sexual pressures from boys.  Can you imagine having to face that kind of pressure in middle school? They’re barely getting started on puberty!

Anyway, listen again this week to our favorite women’s empowerment topics. This Thursday Lore Raymond will talk briefly about Single Working Women’s Week and then present her session, Opening Hearts and Inspiring Action.  Visit the Women On The Verge of Evolution website to register and listen. And check out the hotel and conference deals for SWWAN members at the international convocation they’re holding in September.

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Barbara Payne, August 2nd 2010 | Posted in Single Working Women's Week, Uncategorized