Holidays not so merry? Celebrate the solstice!

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Winter solstice
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The winter solstice is the day that marks the longest night of the year and the beginning of gradually lengthening days.  Some historians say it occurs right around the time of the Christmas festivities each year because this time was already a time of rejoicing for all the pagans in the world. Here’s a fascinating account from the Religious Tolerance website:

In pre-historic times, winter was a very difficult time for Aboriginal people in the northern latitudes. The growing season had ended and the tribe had to live off of stored food and whatever animals they could catch. The people would be troubled as the life-giving sun sank lower in the sky each noon. They feared that it would eventually disappear and leave them in permanent darkness and extreme cold. After the winter solstice, they would have reason to celebrate as they saw the sun rising and strengthening once more. Although many months of cold weather remained before spring, they took heart that the return of the warm season was inevitable. The concept of birth and or death/rebirth became associated with the winter solstice. The Aboriginal people had no elaborate instruments to detect the solstice. But they were able to notice a slight elevation of the sun’s path within a few days after the solstice — perhaps by DEC-25. Celebrations were often timed for about the 25th.

First of all, imagine living in a time when you didn’t know if the sun might be disappearing forever! Unlike today, when we know for scientific fact that the earth’s temperature is rising and its ecology threatened with global warming, we can prepare ourselves and imagine ways of dealing with frightening challenges.  Back then, all they could do was pray.

Anyway if you hate the typical holidays, you could try celebrating the return of the sun during the week of the winter solstice (usually December 21). Gather some candles, slips of paper, a few acorns (or pictures of acorns) and invite a friend over. Each write down any negative memories or feelings from the past year. Then light some candles and burn those bits of paper (have a fireproof container handy) as you release the negative energy. Then think about what wonderful secrets are contained in the acorn—just as your life can now welcome new beginnings.  Then eat, drink and be merry together knowing you’ve released some worries and opened your heart to new good.

Meanwhile, whatever you do celebrate, have a beautiful, warm, loving time.

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Barbara Payne, December 23rd 2010 | Posted in Christmas, holidays

Holidays – your favorite time or your worst nightmare?

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It’s that time of year for candlelight and warm beverages and heart-warming stories. Do you have happy memories from your childhood holidays? So many people don’t–and it often makes their adult holiday times less than enjoyable.

I’m glad to say my childhood memories are mostly positive. With nine living kids in my family let me tell you, when we came down on Christmas morning, it looked like heaven had opened up and dropped a giant bag of presents on us—all piled under and around the multi-color lighted real tree. Even though none of us received a lot, the combination of a few things for each of the nine of us added up to what looked like a mountain of treasure. Plus, many of us were close enough in age that we could look forward to potentially sharing goodies with each other. Another favorite tradition for me was getting the honor of moving Joseph and Mary one step closer to the manger each day, then putting the baby Jesus into the scene on Christmas eve. Oh, and of course singing hymns together that night.

Do you start celebrating early so you can get more fun out of the season? In Chicago we have a radio station that starts playing only Christmas music from November 1st on! Do you try to make your present-day holidays fun despite not-so-happy memories? Or do you just struggle to get through these days and hope not to get majorly depressed? Are you religious and hope to spend extra time attending services? I’ve sung in a choir at a few times in my life—I have some fond memories of singing during Advent and at Christmas night celebrations.

If you’re single and don’t have a family (or have one that you don’t care to see) while all your friends disappear into theirs, this time of year can be crummy. If you’re single and want to create a special time, find some other single women (I know it can be hard; some single women are reluctant to identify themselves as such) and plan a story-sharing evening. Make it a potluck gathering so no one person has to do too much work. Share good memories of holidays. Share ideas for making the end of the year special and for celebrating the beginning of the new year. Encourage each other. Get to know each other better. Plan something fun together—bake something together. Go ice skating if you’re still young enough, or drink hot toddies if that feels better. Or maybe drink hot toddies and then go skating… Doesn’t matter. Whatever feels good is good.

What do you do for fun or satisfying ways to make this time of year special?

Patinoire du marché de Noël : Plaisir d'hiver 2006

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Barbara Payne, December 13th 2010 | Posted in Chicago living, Christmas, Christmas joy, Christmas music, families, holidays, love, Uncategorized

Customer service joys of online shopping

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Printing press from 1811, photographed in Muni...
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I love the Internet. I think it’s the most powerful invention since the printing press for allowing the average person–especially women!–to learn about and do a world of things without having to be rich or powerful.

I am grateful to be able to shop on the web. It means I don’t have to bundle up, trudge out, pollute the atmosphere with gasoline, smoke, etc. (even though my car just passed its biennial test, it still contributes exhaust emissions) by driving  somewhere, and then wander around in stores for hours to find something I want.

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And I guess the experience of getting poor customer service seems a little less horrible if if happens over the phone than if I have to see a person’s face while s/he insults or ignores me.  Last week I had a really crummy experience with a tech support rep at Verizon Wireless.

Ever get one of those folks who treats you as if you’re a complete idiot? And then ignores everything you say about what’s happening? Grrrrr. I even asked for a supervisor and she wouldn’t pass me on! After an additional 5 minutes of being discounted and condescended to (by someone who by now I knew either didn’t understand or simply chose not to believe what I was telling her)—and after telling the woman I thought she really ought to look for a new line of work—I got to speak to a supervisor (after an extremely long wait on hold). She listened to me, fixed the problem within 30 seconds, and apologized very politely for the rep’s behavior.

This morning it happened when I wanted to cancel part of an order from a clothing store I patronize. “I’m sorry, ma’am. You are not coming up on the computer.” Re-spell my name. “No, you’re not in here.” Give her my address. “Nope. There’s nothing under your name. Did you order from ‘OneUpXYZ’?” I say, no I ordered from Roaman’s (apparently the parent company of OneUpXYZ). “Well, you dialed the wrong number. This is OneUpXYZ.” I said, wait a minute–I called the number right here on the Roaman’s website for customer service. “Well, you called the wrong store, and there’s no record of any order under your name in the computer.”

I tried to calm myself to suggest another way of looking it up, but she wasn’t listening. After another, “We have no order for your name in our records,” I felt compelled to raise my voice. Ma’am, I said, please look it up by the order number! She finally heard me and listened while I gave her the order number. When—surprise, surprise—she found my order under my name, address, and information, I contained myself. I asked why in the world my name and order information wouldn’t show up when the information was clearly in there. She pretended I hadn’t asked the question. Just asked me what I wanted to do. I said you know, it’s amazing to me that a customer service rep would choose to argue with me about my having placed an order instead of trying to come up with a way to  find it and then ignore my request to understand possible reasons why the information couldn’t be found. She ignored me again. I was incensed–and I was tempted to simply cancel everything, but I really wanted that denim skirt.

I hope that you will have a marvelous Thanksgiving week. And may your experiences of poor customer service—online or in person—this holiday be few and far between.

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Barbara Payne, November 22nd 2010 | Tags: ,
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Virtue, thy name is “spread thy baking tasks over time”

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Okay, I’ve had this passel of bananas browning on my counter for the past week. They oughtta be good ‘n’ ripe now, I tell myself yesterday as I start washing the dishes piled in the sink from the last few days. It’s time to make that recipe I planned on when I deliberately bought way too many bananas (hey, the Costco on Elston has great prices!) for me to eat.

Been waiting for the moment when I am not under a high-pressure deadline for a project. But I also have to psych myself into the mood to dig out the flour and sugar and baking powder/soda. Anyone know an easy way to remember which type goes in which kinds of baked good? Which leads me to think about baking and how the types of baking recipes I’m even willing to consider are all fairly simple. None of this puff pastry, handmade pasta or piecrusts, or brioche (oh, yeah, I never touch yeast after a couple of truly mediocre efforts many years ago when I was still a married, stay-at-home mother). Yet I love things like banana bread for my breakfast, and I can make it so it feels really healthy. So why do I resist baking so stubbornly?

I’ve decided it’s not that baking is so hard. It’s first because my ingredients are usually buried in the back of some cabinet or closet—where in the world did I put that stuff when I moved?—which means I can’t just start. I am passionate about being able to do what I want to do immediately when I decide to do it. None of this running out to the store because I don’t have any vanilla or my brown sugar has hardened into a block of concrete. And then there’s the dozen-plus bowls and utensils I’ve got to dirty up—and wash afterwards.

So last night I still have some energy left at 6 pm. I think, I’ll put the butter out to soften tonight. If I pour the sugar on it, it won’t be too exposed. Not sure what happens to butter if you leave it out a really long time. I read somewhere that when you leave margarine out for days/weeks it never gets moldy or  anything–meaning it’s truly plastic. So I guess butter must eventually mold or get sour.

1/2 lb butter, 1 c sugar, 1/4 c water and 1 tb...
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And did you know that unsalted butter (the kind I like best) doesn’t get as soft as salted butter? Even though I soften it all night (and sometimes all the next day if my timing gets screwed up) I still have to beat the hell out of it with my long-handled wooden spoon in a valiant effort to cream it with the sugar. None of this using oil, or melting the butter. And none of this using the electric mixer. Somehow I’ve convinced myself the texture of the finished product is better if I expend all that energy by hand instead of taking shortcuts.

Okay, I did it. It’s 8 o’clock in the morning. Christmas music is  playing on my customized Pandora Internet radio station. I just finished cleaning up the dishes and utensils and have taken the banana-oatmeal bread out of the oven. Do I feel virtuous? Absolutely. Am I going to have a hard time waiting until it’s cool enough to have a piece for breakfast. Well, duh.

Anyway—as we all learn eventually—the trick is to break up the dreaded work into tasks that can be spread over time. Oh, yeah, and maybe I’ll try to carve out a space to keep all my dry baking stuff in one spot. Maybe this way I’ll get a few more of those goodies baked for friends and family this Christmas.

And have many more opportunities to feel virtuous, too… ” )

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Barbara Payne, November 17th 2010 | Posted in Christmas, Christmas music, Uncategorized

Never quit adventuring

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Seattle, Washington, USA.
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By manleyaudio (originally posted to Flickr as Sunset in Seattle) [CC-BY-2.0 (www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0)], via Wikimedia Commons

Guess between going and recovering from the vacation in Seattle and the new heart issues I’m up against, I’ve been directing my attention more inward lately. But today I want to talk about living life as an adventure. My trip to Seattle was to visit someone I met and bonded with almost instantly more than 15 years ago—my dear ever-single, adventuring friend Barbara.

Seattle is set in the middle of the mountains, is very near the ocean, close to the desert, and loaded with rivers, lakes and other random bodies of water. It’s on the side of the mountains that gets all the moisture (read: fog, mist, rain), so there are tons of green plants everywhere. It’s a great place for a person with a sense of adventure to live—you can visit a cosmopolitan city in the morning and be in the mountains by afternoon.  It seems like a perfect place for my friend to live.

Something so soothing about spending quality, unhurried time with a soul sister. I hadn’t seen Barbara in 13 years, and we don’t correspond much by email or otherwise. But I knew—based on how delightful our last visit was when we spent several days driving up and down the magnificent California coastline—we’d have a great time. And indeed we did.

Barbara not only has the same first name as me, but she’s read and studied many of the same books and ideas in her life as I have. She also holds similar positions on many social and political issues. Plus, we’re very close in age, and our birthdays are only a day apart—both Aquarians. How often do you meet a friend like that—and click completely with?

Barbara was very close with her mom, who just died about 3 years ago. She essentially has no family left and is looking at retiring soon, but she’s not the least daunted. She’s approaching the last segments of her time on earth with the same sense of adventure she’s always had about life. She’s put a downpayment on a regular-car-parking-space-sized RV that she plans to travel the country with when she retires.  She’s checking out all the informational and support groups—thank God for the Internet for us single women!—like WomenRV. And look, I found this one for single RV women!

All I can say is, we single women have been living the adventure of navigating life on our own for however many years. It only makes sense that we’ll find something challenging and exciting to do in our later years. I’m looking for adventures close to home—like finding the forest preserves in the Chicago area so I can take a walk in the woods even though I live in a huge city. I’m trying to get my brother to bring his tent and camping equipment and go with us on a weekend camping adventure.

A photo I took of a lion at the Lincoln Park Zoo.
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Spent the afternoon at the Lincoln Park Zoo yesterday—they’ve really fixed that place up since I last saw it 40 years ago. What a treasure to have only 5 bus stops away from my apartment.

I’m sorry; I know I’m rambling. But you get the point. Don’t quit having adventures, no matter how old or tired you get. They don’t have to be far. Just make sure they’re somewhere outside your everyday routine.

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admin, October 24th 2010 | Posted in Chicago, single women, single women in midlife, Uncategorized

Single moms and their kids battle recession

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I was somewhat surprised to read in a Legal Momentum e-newsletter that single mothers have traditionally always had a higher unemployment rate than the general population. Now they say the recession’s having an even greater negative impact. Bureau of Labor Statistics (BLS) say the unemployment rate for single mothers was 13.6% in 2009 compared to 9.3% for the population as a whole.

I know how hard-hit so many two-parent families have been by this recession—several in my family had to have the stay-at-home mom go out and get a job. And having been a single mom myself who fought like hell to pay the bills and find a new job after losing  my employment in two earlier recessions, I find it painful to think about the struggles of the single mother in today’s brutal economy. First, they are women, which means they are already more likely to be paid less than men for similar work—in every type of job, from WalMart greeter to corporate executive. Second, unlike two-parent families there’s no second person to bring in backup income. Third, since a single mom already has an important second job—raising her kids—it may literally not be possible to take on a third job or find money to pay for child care even if she could.

Whether you make $20,000 a year or $100,000, whether you’re a working married mom or a single mom, as a parent your goal is to give your child the best possible life. When I read about how families are supported in other countries such as the private/public partnership to provide child care for all kids in Finland, it makes me sad that we don’t feel more of an obligation to help all of our country’s children receive the care they deserve while their moms work or look for work.

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Barbara Payne, September 12th 2010 | Posted in busy single working women, child care, single moms, single mothers, single parents, singles discrimination, Uncategorized

Change your life, change the world…

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Roshi Joan, His Holiness the Dalai Lama
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It can be devastating to reach a time in your life when you are hungering for something more—and yet unable to name it or find a way to it. And yet, think about this: “The Dalai Lama recently said, ‘The world will be saved by the western woman.’” He believes that we, as women of the western world, are going to be leaders in a movement towards a greater humanity. And he believes that because of the passion and caring commitment he’s seeing so many of us women putting out. Maybe that hunger inside you is your gentle call to play your part…

If you need a big shot of belief about this, check out this website: Women Living on the Verge of Evolution. And then if you want to really immerse yourself in this exciting tribute to expanding possibilities, you can attend  an inspiring and empowering conference coming up in two weeks. It’ll be held in Las Vegas—not a bad place for a long weekend of inspiration—on September 16 to 18 at the Alexis Park Resort Hotel. There’s a special price going on now only until Friday evening—visit the website for details.

I’ve attended some of the telesummit conferences that have been going on for the past 18 weeks, and let me tell you, there are some amazing women giving presentations at this conference. And I know the woman who’s masterminding this—she’s full of grace and wisdom and energy and is on a mission to share all these resources with you.

You can usually find a cheap flight to Vegas—if you feel drawn to this, I’m confident you’ll be amply rewarded for investing the time and the bucks.

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Barbara Payne, September 2nd 2010 | Posted in women on mission

Who are you now, and what do you really want?

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We women—single, single-again, married, cohabiting—all face unique situations and circumstances. But the ways in which any one woman suffers or feels confused or worries or wonders “what’s next” are not so different from those of other women.

Got a newsletter today from Dr. Karen Gail Lewis. She’s a warm and kind professional therapist who helps couples and families but also specializes in helping women who are single, single-again, or thinking about becoming single-again, or who’ve done all that society expected and just don’t know what they want now—she calls them “Empty Nexters.”

Dr. Karen has an interesting list of questions in her newsletter. They’re directed at women who are questioning “what’s next” about their own lives. I’m directly quoting it here so you can respond—in your head, on paper, or in your heart—if any of these questions resonates with you.

  • Think back to childhood, young adulthood. What were some of your dreams back then that you lost along the way?
  • Read magazines and even want ads. See what topics catch your interest. Don’t apply for anything; just be open to see what draws you.
  • Silence the inner voice that says, “I couldn’t,” or “I’d love to, but….”
  • Finish this sentence, “I would love to….” Don’t think about it, just write it out and see what words come.
  • Whose voice is inside your head saying, “You can’t!”?
  • What would your husband and children say if you were to say whatever came at the end of that sentence above?
  • What would your mother, father, siblings say if you were to do something entirely new and exciting with your life now?
  • Give yourself space to flush out old tears – for lost lovers, lost opportunities.
  • Attend a weekend retreat, just for women like you, Empty Nexters, figuring out what comes next.

Dr. Karen’s weekend retreats are specifically designed for women. Even if you don’t end up going to a retreat, she’s very generous about sharing her wisdom. You can read her inspiring words by visiting and subscribing to her newsletter at Dr. Karen Gail Lewis’s website.

Oh, and PS. There’s a special deal on pricing for the retreat—good only until September 15, so check it out today.

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Barbara Payne, September 1st 2010 | Posted in Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, single mom, single moms, single woman

Chicago real estate and single women

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Lincoln Park during the winter.
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Hate the heat. So I thought I’d show you Lincoln Park in the snow.

Growing pains—well, changing pains.  I’m happily settled in my new digs in the busy Lakeview area of Chicago, learning even more about why people love this city.

My condo in Logan Square is on the market. I bought it from a single woman. I owned it as a single woman. And there are two other single-woman-owned units in our beautifully rehabbed building. Chicago—as is the case with most large cities—is a great place to be a single woman. So many job opportunities. So many things to do and places to go and people to meet. Full of adventure, yet not overwhelming. I’ve met and made friends with more single women in the few years since I returned to Chicago than I did in my 33 years in Cleveland.

My granddaughter (she was 3 in July) and I are spending more time together lately while her single-mom Perri is busy working for her real estate customers. How’s the market in your neck of the woods? Perri says it’s still pretty slow in Chicago, except for some precisely circumscribed areas known as “the” hot areas of the city—Lincoln Park and Bucktown being two of them. But even a block or more outside the boundaries of those neighborhoods, she says, sales are still slow.

For more tips about the market, single-mom ideas, fun stuff to do, and ways to make your home more beautiful, subscribe to Perri’s blog, ChicagoLifeandStyleBlog.

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Barbara Payne, September 1st 2010 | Posted in single lifestyles, single mom, single moms, single women home buyers, sweltering heat, Uncategorized

Wandering thoughts–from relationships to cookie dough

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Got a note from a single friend quoting her single friend who worried about ever having to be too close to a significant other again. Facing issues of abandonment, abuse, etc. that had come up in previous relationships.

Yeah, I used to feel  that way so I know what it feels like. But not for years now. I was in dead earnest when I said after my first brush with a serious health challenge that if God wants me to have one, he’ll put the guy right here in front of me ‘cuz I ain’t goin’ lookin’ no more. If I even think about it, I mostly wonder whether I could even do it anymore–compromise and so on all the time. Would I not just love the person, but submerge myself into his life and lose “me” again? I’d like to think not. but who knows.

That’s one little-discussed benefit of remaining single: we don’t have to live out those thorny issues that unfailingly arise in romantic relationships. We are able to conserve that energy for growing our spirits and for gifting the world with the products of our creativity. Blessed is the woman who can maintain her own personhood while sustaining a relationship and also realize her gifts and talents for the good of the world. She’s a woman who is totally centered and whose significant other not only respects and admires her but is also centered in his own spirit.

My life is full to overflowing—with beauty, beloved people, and music and art. I crave and appreciate being in my own space and in complete charge of my own time. In fact,  sometimes I use that as a gauge of whether I want to get close to a new friend. I love my solitude, and if I find myself feeling like I have to explain/defend myself about it, that ‘s not for me.

Took a day off work yesterday. Worked on my cookbook. No title yet, but it’s probably going to have single working women somewhere in the title or subtitle! It’s coming along–and as it does, I get scared that I’ll never finish. A book is such a long project. I’ve always shied away from doing something that long. Always worried that I lacked the discipline needed to stick with it for the long haul. And where will all that material come from!? Well, we will see. I’m finding that if I actually sit down and don’t let anything distract me, the ideas do come.

Maybe I’ll take another day off today. Oh, yeah, I’ve got to add our family recipe for chocolate chip cookies…I remember when I first made my mother’s recipe. She used to use Crisco, and I used butter instead. OMG,  I was transported by the vastly richer flavor. And it made eating the raw cookie dough—does everyone in the world do that like we do?—even more appealing.

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Barbara Payne, August 17th 2010 | Posted in abusive relationships, Uncategorized
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