Raising Boys Without Men – can be a good thing

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Sound creepy? Radical? Weird? Well, get used to the idea, because it’s going on every day–and according to an extensive deep research project conducted recently by a married female sociologist with no preconceived agenda, it’s working really well in many cases.

Dr. Peggy Drexler decided to write this book after she was astonished to find her study yielding extraordinary information that debunked the oft-repeated idea that boys must have a father present in the home in order to learn how to be male. Raising Boys without Men: How maverick moms are creating the next generation of exceptional men. Contrary to popular lore, she found that the many sons of the single and lesbian moms she interviewed over 2 years were not only strong, emotionally healthy, and quite male, but they also had an abundance of flexibility and sensitivity and an extraordinarily well-developed sense of morality and justice.

Dr. Drexler concluded that it’s good parenting–which can come from any combination of motherers/fatherers (people who aren’t necessarily blood relatives but who care about the kids)that makes for gender-comfortable, emotionally stable boys and girls. She said it’s the isolation of a parent that can produce difficulties. The most important thing is that a child have more than a single adult to whom s/he can turn for advice, comfort or other emotional needs.

For single-by-choice moms, here’s a good comment from the adoptive single mother of 5: “I think the hardest thing is that I chose this for myself, so you don’t have any right to ask for help. I have to watch that, because the help is there. …people are always so worried about insulting you.” Single moms, don’t be afraid to invite others to share your life and your challenges. It’s good for the kids, too!

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Barbara Payne, June 2nd 2007 | Posted in boys, masculinity, parenting, single mothers, single-by-choice moms

The circle of life – the mother in us all

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Women. Mothers. Single women as mothers. The nurturing qualities for which women are justly celebrated are not distributed in equal degrees. But regardless of what kind of mother you yourself are so far–or hope to be–you have a mother of your own. And there’s no human connection like the one between mother and child. Even when fraught with pain, it is yet the most powerful bond on earth.

Tomorrow is a day to celebrate the mother in us all. Let us stand together on this day. For just a moment, close your eyes and imagine you’re holding hands with every other woman on earth–imagine your neighbor, your coworker, your friend, your sister, aunt, cousin, your mom (even if she’s not here). Feel in your sister’s hands the warmth of her love for you, feel the energy of your friend’s pains and joys passing to your fingers. Send your coworker the peace you feel in a tender moment with someone you love, feel tension and pain ebb away in the shared warmth of your hands touching.

Feel the strength you pass between you, the courage you celebrate in each other, the laughter and the tears you share with all these other women. And just for a moment, know with absolute certainty that we are all in this together.

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Barbara Payne, May 12th 2007 | Posted in celebrate, courage, energy, motherhood, mothers, peaceful, sharing, single mothers

African sons respecting their single moms

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Can you imagine a grownup son deciding to change his name to include his mother’s instead of his father’s? Seems it’s happening with some regularity in Kenya, according to this article, which also talks about neurosurgeon Ben Carson’s book “Raising Boys Without Men,” applauding the single “maverick moms” who help their sons grow up to be good men who also have an appreciation for feelings.

Apparently to use a feminine surname in Africa is highly unusual (in the U.S. our surnames don’t denote gender) and invites ridicule from others. Yet more young sons of single moms are choosing to do it anyway because of the deep respect they have for what their mothers went through to raise them.

It’s great to hear this. After watching a documentary last night about the 50 years that Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton spent trying to win the vote for women–and a few other rights like abolition, and the right of married women to own property–it makes me feel that it might be easier for men to appreciate women and be willing to grant them respect and equality if the economic distance between them isn’t so wide as it is in a lot of the U.S.

Perhaps there’s some of the class war about women’s equality…much as racism can be viewed in that way.

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Barbara Payne, May 5th 2007 | Posted in African single women/mothers, Elizabeth Cady Stanton, motherhood, single mothers, single working women, Susan B. Anthony

Poverty is bad–but we have options

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Found some stats about unequal women’s pay at this student labor website. Fortunately, many single working women are now very successful financially, but when you think about the implications of these facts for a lot of other single women, you can see how far we have yet to go.

Significant: “If married women were paid the same as men in comparable jobs, their family incomes would rise by nearly 6 percent, and their families’ poverty rates would fall from 2.1 percent to 0.8 percent.”

Even more significant: “If single women earned as much as men in comparable jobs, their incomes would rise by 13.4 percent and their poverty rates would be reduced from 6.3 percent to 1 percent. And if single working mothers earned as much as men in comparable jobs, their family incomes would increase by nearly 17 percent and their poverty rates would be cut in half, from 25.3 percent to 12.6 percent.”

I don’t love statistics. They can be jimmied around to “prove” pretty much anything you want. But they can still give us some guidance on what we should be shooting for. The fact is that more and more people are remaining single–doesn’t look like that trend is changing any time soon–and that 40% of births in the U.S. today are to single mainly-adult women (not teenagers).

So it appears that the simple move of paying men and women equally for the same work could quickly and dramatically change the landscape for hundreds of thousands of our children…both today and in the future…without having to think up or do anything else. And how would businesses adjust? The same way they have always done to “impossible” increases in the minimum wage.

Be inspired by how the Grameen Foundation is empowering people–and attacking poverty at its roots. These are the folks that SWWAN will be contributing a portion of its revenues to.

Now if we want to talk about saving businesses money, let’s talk about health care costs.

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Barbara Payne, April 29th 2007 | Posted in equal pay, mothers, poverty, single mothers, single working women

Single mothers the losers in pay race

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So it’s Equal Pay Day in the U.S. Sad that we still have to have a holiday for this, but it’s a part of why we still also have to have a holiday called Single Working Women’s Week!

A New York Democrat on Congress’s Joint Economic Committee writes about the realities that women in the workplace face today. Perhaps one of the most telling statistics is the one that says women with children get paid an average of 2.5% less than women without children–and men with children get an average of 2.1% more than men without. While those percentages may seem small, the truth is every dollar counts when you’re a single mom, no matter how much you make.

It’s likely to take generations and perhaps a few small miracles to truly break down the unfair practices in pay. The “Paycheck Fairness Act” before Congress sounds like at least one more brick we can throw at the situation.

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Barbara Payne, April 24th 2007 | Posted in gender pay equity, Paycheck Fairness Act, single mothers, Single Working Women's Week
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