Single Working Womens Week – SWWAN

Wrote yesterday about the passion and love that a single woman who chooses to become a mother might bring to raising her child. Today, read a very interesting article by a psychotherapist who found herself troubled as her clients (well-to-do Hollywood parents) began to change–into people who wanted so much for their children that they stop asking anything of them. It’s a good read if you have 10 minutes. So the Torah Is a Parenting Guide? (I can just hear my former mother-in-law saying, Nu?)

Having been a single mother for quite a few years, I can guarantee you that few single moms will have the parenting problems described in this story. Single moms, unless they have a very active and helpful dad or other family members involved, are not likely to have the time and energy it takes to overprotect their kids. And as for not asking the kids to help around the house, that just ain’t gonna happen.

Yes, single women choosing to become mothers is a controversial issue. Surely not a decision any woman would make lightly. And few people really believe that most kids wouldn’t like to have a mom and a dad who loved them. But consider the kids who do have both parents, one or both of whom could be judged as not having their kids’ best interests at heart. Happens every day.

This article cites research all over the place. As you know, research is like statistics–what you find is heavily influenced by what you go looking for. And to prove that kids prefer living equal time in two separate houses, this one study had to go to “kids” already in college–not likely to be representative of the feelings of little ones. I can tell you from observation, even when both parents are incredibly mature, peaceful people, it can be really tough on young kids to be shuttled constantly back and forth between homes.

But in this day when more women are choosing to remain single (because they haven’t found someone they consider a suitable mate), the idea that they “shouldn’t” become mothers is something that requires thinking through–not just jumping to a conclusion. For those who claim these single women are just satisfying their own needs–first, you’ve got to be kidding, right? Just THINK about the amount of work she’s committing herself to. And second, what are the couples who go through multiple cycles of IVF doing? Does it somehow become less self-seeking because there are two people involved? And if you’ve already had a child–unless you suffered greatly to have that baby–there is no way you can truly understand the depth for some women of that hunger to have a child.

Children of divorce whose dads abandon them. Children of miserable marriages. The kind of adults we become is profoundly influenced by what we see, endure and learn when we are kids. Even kids from the most disturbed and abusive situations can grow up to give incredible gifts to the world (Oprah Winfrey is only the most shining example). For some, all it takes is a single loving person to touch their lives. To say that a single woman who makes the incredibly difficult decision to have a child on her own could not give far more than that is just missing the point.

Saw this in a news alert today… “Single women often have low self-esteem about their single status… [but] Research shows that employers view single people as more career-oriented and hard working than their…”–presumably the next words are “married counterparts.”

Unfortunately, I can’t give you the lowdown on the rest of the article. It’s from an Irish news website that makes you register–but then doesn’t send you a confirmation and a password–even when you ask again. Makes you wonder if it’s legit… So I pasted into the Google searchbar – “single women low self-esteem” to see what else would come up.

Found some old material from 2001–some guy wondering where all the women with abysmal self-esteem were since the single women he knew were all busy, successful and going to grad school or engaged in some exciting career move. UNLESS, he said, they’re really crying inside and don’t want to reveal their vulnerability to guys-who-are-predators-anyway. And a response from a couple of young women helping the guy out by telling him where to look–basically everywhere.

I vividly recall a time–was I divorced or just working up to it?–when I studied the book called “Creative Visualization” by Shakti Gawain and practiced what it preached for many, many months. Write down the positive things you want to believe, to have happen, it said. Those are called affirmations and you’re supposed to write them down in first, second and third person forms (that’s “I am” “You are” and “[YOUR NAME] is”…loveable, a beautiful person, deserving of a good job, etc. etc.). They explained that this helps re-program your brain away from the negative beliefs you might be holding about yourself.

I can vouch for the fact that using positive affirmations is a powerful technique–it helped change my life dramatically. So if you ever have those down days or you struggle to feel worthy of the wonderful things you want to accomplish, get out your journal and start writing: “I deserve to earn $200,000 a year!”

Of course, first make sure you’ve got the necessary brains, training, experience, and guts to carry it off… ” )