AARP survey: The Secret Lives of Single Women

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Wow. Imagine finding single women all over the place who admit that life can be pretty tough but that they really are happy being single. AARP can reach a lot of people with its massive member base, so when they report on The Secret Lives of Single Women, it’s worth hearing.

Talk about prejudice. Listen to a researcher found 950 college students describing married people–“happy, loving, secure, stable, and kind.” Their words for singles were more like “lonely, shy, unhappy, insecure, inflexible, and stubborn.” Good grief. Does that sound like you? I’m pretty sure nobody I know would describe me that way! But then, we’re talking about “knowing” someone versus guessing what people you don’t know might be like. A different ballgame–and therein lies the rub.

Love this myth buster: “Myth #10 Single women aren’t as healthy as married women.
Reality: Generally true, but now single women are taking charge of their health just as they’re taking control of other parts of their lives.For decades health researchers have consistently found that married women are healthier than single women. But the most negative health outcomes for women have been associated with those who are divorced or widowed. Very little attention has been paid to the long-term health outcomes of women who are contentedly single. One surprising finding to come out of the AARP Foundation women’s survey, however, is that single women tend to think of themselves as healthy—46 percent said their health is excellent or very good (emphasis mine–what do we know about the power of the mind over the body???). In addition, 90 percent of the single women in the study said they’re very or somewhat confident that they’re doing all they can to keep themselves healthy. “These findings seem promising,” says Jean Kalata, AARP research analyst and principal researcher for the AARP Foundation women’s study, “but we need more research into single women and the effects of happiness on health.”

Anyway, if you have a few minutes, read the report. It’s fun to hear such good things about single working women!

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Barbara Payne, October 5th 2007 | Posted in Uncategorized

US not alone in rising number of single-parent households

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Even though the tradition to have a regular family with lots of kids has been strong among Jews, times are changing in Israel as well as other countries. The number of single-parent families in Israel has doubled over last decade. At 7% of all families, the single-parent household is a growing minority (90% of those are women-headed).

Here are the rankings of countries in order of their number of single-headed households, according to an NII report:

  • United State ranked in first place with 16%
  • Canada followed with 11%
  • Finland, South Korea, New Zealand and Norway are ranked third with 9%
  • Australia, the UK, Austria and Portugal ranked fourth with 8%
  • Israel is fifth with 7%
  • Denmark, Spain and Switzerland came in at sixth place (6%), and
  • Germany, Greece, Japan and Luxembourg (5%).

The same forces seem to be at work in most countries–better pay and more opportunities for women are leading to fewer marriages and more women choosing to remain single after divorce or become moms on their own.

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Barbara Payne, October 3rd 2007 | Posted in single moms, single mothers, single mothers by choice, single parents

Night time occupation

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Just wrote a couple of new book reviews for our SWWAN book/movie review page (www.swwan.org/mind_food/read_reviews.htm). Seems like a good thing to do at night when your brain is fried from a long day. It's always nice to remember what you enjoyed about reading a particular book.

We're working on getting some automated functionality set up so YOU can enter your own book and movie reviews on our website. Anybody know a friend or colleague with programming skills who'd like to help out single working women? If you know of some possible folks, please chat with them and/or send us their names. We'll gladly give that person credit and a spotlight on our website

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Barbara Payne, September 21st 2007 | Posted in Uncategorized

Tired? Draw the line

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Yes, tiredness is often a chronic state for single working women. We want to do so much! When you don’t have children or a spouse at home, you tend to reach out many evenings for your social life as well as for business/networking. Why do you think people tend to gain weight when they get married? It’s because they get so relaxed! My ex-husband had tried to gain weight all his life (he was pretty scrawny as a kid). Once we got married, he gained 20 lbs. in the first year without even trying! Imagine how much easier it is for us females to gain weight…

Anyway, if you’re tired a lot–and most of us are–here are a few tips.

1. Don’t watch TV in your bedroom. Just use it for sleeping.
2. Don’t drink too much alcohol–some say any at all is bad. It disrupts your sleep patterns and you’ll get less sleep and what you do get will be poorer quality.
3. Listen to your body. If you feel tired at the end of the work day and the choice is between going to that one more networking meeting tonight and skipping it in favor of a good movie, remember that all you can do is all you can do–and it is enough.
4. Keep a book handy that reminds you not to take things too seriously. Find one that fits your beliefs and your comfort zone.

I don’t hold that these will be right for everybody by any means, but here are a few I keep around to transform my attitude: A Course in Miracles (tough reading but fascinating perspectives on every page), Creative Visualization (inspiration for making things happen in your life without killing yourself), The Seat of the Soul (radical stuff in here but some beautiful ideas as well).

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Barbara Payne, September 19th 2007 | Posted in chronic tiredness, course in miracles, creative visualization, seat of the soul, single working women

Glass ceiling? Well, duh

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Yes, here’s a report on women in hospitality and how they aren’t chosen for the top jobs. Guess what? It’s going on in every industry. Just read a long article in the Harvard Business Review by a guy who’s trying to say it’s not really a glass ceiling, but things at every step in women’s careers that keep them from being chosen for the very top jobs.

“Verbally intimidating others can undermine a woman’s influence, and assertive behavior can reduce her chances of getting a job or advancing her career.” The old idea that women are damned if they do and damned if they don’t. Gosh, we could have told him that and saved him from having to do all that research. But, then, he wouldn’t have believed us anyway because we’re just females…

The bad news is plenty:

  • Women’s leadership styles have been proven over and over to be more effective than those of typical males–but only lead to advancement when used by men.
  • Women are putting in more child care hours than previous generations ever did, despite the fact that many men are doing more than they used to.
  • Hiring authorities are actually prejudiced–plain and simple–against women.

And the worse news he also shares is that though everybody seems to think women are going to continue to make headway, he sees a boatload of reasons why they won’t. That in fact, women’s progress into leadership positions has stalled and even slid backward slightly and is permanently halted.

His suggestions:

  • Raise awareness of the psychological drivers for prejudice against women and try to dispel those perceptions.
  • Change the long-hours-and-hanging-out-in-bars-after-work-equals-great-performance norm.
  • Reduce the subjectivity of performance evaluations to minimize conscious and unconscious prejudices.
  • Recruit openly and fairly rather than from informal social networks–in most of which females are largely excluded.
  • Hire women in executive positions to eliminate the problems that come with tokenism.

Ever happen to you? You’re the lone woman on the Board of Directors and you make a suggestion that is completely ignored, only to find that two minutes later the same thing is proposed by a man and accepted. It has to me and lots of other women I know. Now imagine the difficulties faced by single working moms in regard to those long hours? It’s a no-win situation today. We’ve got a long way to go, and miles before we rest.

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Barbara Payne, September 10th 2007 | Posted in glass ceiling, long hours, performance evaluation, prejudice against women in the workplace, single working moms, single working mother, women and glass ceiling

Let your light shine!

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My dear friend Linda shared this with me today. A good thing for all of us to ponder:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you NOT to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it is in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

Have you ever heard that before–“fear of success”? It’s a hard thing to stand out. Often when others do not feel strong, they want to knock down those who do. You do, in fact, risk becoming a target when you step out of the shadows. That vulnerability can frighten us away from manifesting our best selves. How do we overcome it? The first step–and one you may have to practice repeatedly–is to simply tell yourself “Stop it!” and substitute positive thoughts for negative self talk.

If you’re looking for more inspiration, check out this great About.com site full of quotations from Marianne Williamson and lots of other women.

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Barbara Payne, August 31st 2007 | Posted in enlightenment, let your light shine, Marianne Williamson, positive thoughts

The universe in a smile

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It happened today. My one-month-old granddaughter studied my face intently this morning–and a tiny little smile crept slowly across her lips.

Now I've seen those digestive-issue-induced smiles of hers–and let me tell you they'll charm the hell out of you, too. But this…this one looked like the real thing…the dawn of personal communication between me and that little girl.

Is there anything more thrilling than to feel that you have truly been seen by another human being? Not just looked at, or ogled (and we all know how much fun that can be when the mood is right), or looked through. No, I mean truly seen–genuinely recognized as the wondrous spirit you are.

That's how it feels when a baby smiles at you. As if all the good you've ever done is who you really are. And when it's a baby's smile, you know it has the whole universe of good and innocence in it.

What an incredible way to start the day. Go find yourself a baby… Or why not just practice seeing other people that way–then flash 'em your killer smile. You'll tranform their day–and brighten your own immeasurably.

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Barbara Payne, August 22nd 2007 | Posted in Uncategorized

What women make vs. men

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Whatever you’ve heard about women choosing occupations that pay less, here are the cold, hard numbers from the government’s American Community Survey (published 8/2006 with census date from 2005)for median income (half of people are above this number and half are below it) for women and men by occupation. Hard to think about this…a woman in most occupations makes an average of $10,000 less every year of her life than a man in the same occupation. For a few occupations the gap is less, but for some–like legal, for instance, where the median male’s income is more than 200% of the female’s, or sales where it’s 150% of a woman’s–the difference is dramatic. Now think about the many single working women in single-below-the-median-income households, and we’re talkin’ painful.

What could you do with $10,000, $20,000, $30,000 or more a year?

[The second and fourth columns are “90% plus or minus confidence levels” – the last one is the percentage of women’s income compared to men’s.]


And if you want to check out how it is for women in the state you live in, here’s a map.

In case you can’t read these charts (sorry, that’s as big as I could get the graphics) or want more information about poverty rates, etc., here’s the full report.

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Barbara Payne, August 21st 2007 | Posted in female earnings as percentage of male, income women vs. men, single women's income, women's income

Thanks: A story of omission

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It only makes sense to thank the people who help you. And the list of those in my life who’ve helped me is long and stretches many decades back.

It so happens that recently I failed to give due recognition to some people who have helped SWWAN a lot. At the celebrations of Single Working Women’s Week a couple of weeks ago I didn’t mention the advisory board members who have supported our efforts to get this holiday into gear. These generous people are listed and profiled on our website here. Cristina Andersson, Billa Bhandari, George Carpenter, Beatrice Davis, Monica Davis, Perrine Knight, Kathy O’Leary, Frances Richards, and Mike Miller have shown their support and given help and encouragement in a myriad of ways. Thank you all for believing in the mission and vision of SWWAN. And Mary Cilia, fellow NAWBO member and president of MEC Systems, was a great support when SWWAN was in its infancy–thanks, Mary.

And it so happens that I had an opportunity to thank one of these very important people in person at our Chicago event–and I screwed it up. So Beatrice Davis, thank you from the bottom of my heart for your kind and generous support. Without your encouragement, Single Working Women’s Week might never have happened. You were there when the chips were down and the to-do list looked hopelessly unachievable. Without your sharing of your professional expertise and the great people you know, our event would not have been as successful as it was. Thank you for even getting your client Geir Ness to donate samples of his delightful perfumes from Norway, Laila. Belatedly, on behalf of me personally and of single working women everywhere, thank you.

Please visit Beatrice’s cool online magazine, No Strings Attached ENews, and prepare to be entertained!

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Barbara Payne, August 19th 2007 | Posted in single working women, Single Working Women's Week

The courage of single moms by choice

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It takes courage of the first order to decide to become a single mom. You know that it’s going to be hard for both you and your child, but you know you have so much to give that the baby/child/adult will grow up certain of being loved and with a deep understanding and compassion for those who struggle.

I am very proud of my single daughter who made this courageous choice and was so healthy during her pregnancy that I feared she might have a 15-pound kid. She also delivered baby Sophia totally without drugs and is nursing her on demand so she will have the very best start in life.

Truly life will never be the same for my daughter or, delightedly, for me either. Another soul has joined us in this world to face what life gives, to learn and grow and love. What an honor to be able to share in that joyful adventure.

Couldn’t resist sharing this great photo of my beautiful new grandchild, taken by a professional pet photographer (who also happens to be her proud aunt).

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Barbara Payne, August 18th 2007 | Posted in grandchild, pet photographer, single mom by choice, single mothers
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