Does a "bad" woman make a story exciting? I bet she's single!

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Good movies always seem to have some conflict between “the good” and “the bad.” I’d love to do a survey sometime to see what percentage of the time the villain in a non-action film (where we expect the bad guy to be male because only another man can pose a worthwhile challenge to the male hero) is a female–and particularly a single female–versus a male. Do we find it easier to hate women?

Think about “Basic Instinct.” I’d never seen that whole movie before until the other night. And now I see how this single woman is portrayed as a spider, a trapper–without ethics, morals or a heart. Seems like another male fantasy movie–the incredibly attractive, sexy female that draws men like flies is finally unveiled as evil. Hmmmm. We’ve been blaming the female for stuff since at least biblical times. Dr. Karen Lewis mentions the history of how females are assigned to care for all relationships in her great SWWAN Dive interview.

And then there is the Bridget Jones’s Diary story. This poor single woman is desperate about being alone and is constantly worrying about how to change herself to catch a man. Then she sleeps with the guy who is a total user. She’s not evil, but she’s pathetic and personally weak and unempowered. If it weren’t for the wonderful poignant humor, this would be a totally depressing film.

This weekend is the opening of Single Working Women’s Week–our international celebration of all single working women. We’re in Chicago for this and will have available at our event, at a SWWAN-member discount, Dr. Lewis’s fascinating book, With or Without a Man, and her workbook of the same name. If you’re in town, stop by and see us at Radiance Fine Jewelry, 2139 N. Damen. 11 – 4 on Saturday and 12 to 5 on Sunday.

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Barbara Payne, July 25th 2008 | Posted in Basic Instinct, Bridge Jones's Diary, Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, female villain, single woman villain, single women, Single Working Women's Week

Raising our consciousness

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Many of us aren’t aware of the subtle and insidious ways that society disapproves of us for being single. A listener shared her reaction to the SWWAN Dive interview with Dr. Karen Gail Lewis the other day. We appreciate this passionate comment from her:

“As your interview with Dr. Lewis unfolded, I kept thinking ‘right on! right on! right on!”

“I sent the interview link to several coworkers – all professional women – who are recently or soon-to-be divorced and seem to be questioning why they feel so good about not having men in their lives. Dr. Lewis had the answer to that! I also sent the link to two friends who get depressed because they haven’t found mates, and to a career coach who had related to me that “research shows women generally have a tougher time in retirement than men” so they could hear Dr. Lewis’ challenges to biased research, ages-old cultural stereotypes and fears about single women.

“Her wise statement about being choosy in dating and getting involved with a man is key. Let’s drop the denial – there are many substandard men out there, men who are indifferent to women’s needs, their dreams and passions. These men STILL think women’s lives must revolve around them. No matter what planet they come from, I don’t believe it’s our JOB as women to teach these men how to relate. It was gratifying to hear my point of view validated! Here we are forty years into “liberation” and women keep selling themselves short – stop the insanity! As Dr. Lewis said, knowing who’s appropriate to let into one’s life, not just settling for anybody is key. That’s wisdom that should be spread far and wide!

“Thanks Barbara and Dr. Lewis for the great consciousness raising session and the resources you mentioned!” ~ S.W.

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Barbara Payne, July 22nd 2008 | Posted in being single today, Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, feminine consciousness raising, single working women, society, SWWAN Dive radio for women

The Power of Now

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No unhappiness. No pain. Constant peace, contentment, and joy. That’s how authors describe the state of being enlightened. Sounds like a fantasy, right?

When did we first start talking about “enlightenment” in popular reading? Probably different for each of us, but it seems to be a universally known term these days. In Eckhart Tolle’s book The Power of Now, he uses a question and reply format to explain what it means to be enlightened–that is, fully present in all you do, paying attention only to the exact moment you’re in. He asks, “What problem do you have right this moment?” The answer, he says, is invariably, you don’t have a problem.

How could that be, we might ask, if I am in pain? He says it’s possible to observe your body–and your mind–from the perspective of your Being and know that you–the real you, your spiritual essence– are separate from your suffering or your pain. He says we may experience fleeting moments of this full consciousness, where we feel and sense the sacredness of nature in the beauty of a forest or a flower, a child, or an animal. I think I feel this sometimes when I’m dancing or exercising to music that moves me–it feels transcendant, like nothing else matters at that moment, and also that everything is perfect as it is.

But we can, says Tolle, choose to be in this state as often as we like. Wow. What a power. So why don’t we do it? He says our minds get in our way–our hangups with the past and with the future. Here’s a great exercise he suggests:

Close your eyes. Sit quietly and say to yourself, “I wonder what my next thought will be.” Then become very alert and wait for the next thought. Be like a cat watching a mouse hole. What thought is going to come out of the mouse hole? Try it now.

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Most likely you’ll have to wait a long time for a thought. He says this demonstrates that “as long as you’re in a state of intense presence, you are free of thought. You are still, yet highly alert. The instant your conscious attention sinks below a certain level, thought rushes in. The mental noise returns; the stillness is lost. You are back in time.”
That’s how it was for me–took a while before a thought came. And now I have a new trick to use for when I try to meditate and have such a hard time quieting my brain. Is it possible that someone who lives alone has more opportunities for practicing this? Please share if you have any tricks for meditation or for when you can’t fall back asleep in the middle of the night.

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Barbara Payne, July 20th 2008 | Posted in consciousness, eckhart tolle, enlightenment, pain and suffering, power of now

Single is not the antithesis of married

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Boy, I don’t think I’d ever seen the whole movie, Fatal Attraction, until tonight. What a symbolic representation of the way society views the single woman! Alone. Lonely. Desperate. Trying to steal the peace and serenity of the “happily married” couple.

Wait a minute. First of all, the guy decided to have sex with this woman despite his “happily married” state. Then when he was finished, he decided it was inconvenient to know her any longer. The way they get beyond his BS is to make the “other woman” character crazy and obsessive. Interesting how they shift the blame for the situation to the woman rather than the guy who chose to cheat on his spouse.

It’s a really disturbing premise. And after the wonderful interview we had last night with Dr. Karen Gail Lewis (check it out here), I find it even more disturbing to consider the implications of this film. Bless Dr. Karen for helping us raise the consciousness of single, self-supporting, working women in our world today.

Yeah, yeah. Fatal Attraction is “just a story” – but it’s representative of the societal prejudice that shapes and informs our society’s attitude towards single women. The fact is that being single is not the antithesis of being married. It’s a state that doesn’t have to be related to “married” at all. It’s a way of being in the world that denotes nothing except independence. And the problem is that our society considers an independant woman vaguely–and sometimes overwhelmingly–threatening.

Well, everybody might as well get used to it. So far 51% of American women are single. But that number’s growing. Listen to Dr. Karen’s interview last night and you’ll begin to understand why.

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Barbara Payne, July 19th 2008 | Posted in happily married, men cheating on spouse, single women threatening, the other woman

"Embracing the blues"

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Is it okay to be sad? What a question! It’s part of life, right?

In a recent article “Embracing the Blues” (Utne Reader) author Julie Hanus asks the question–“Is the single-minded pursuit of happiness blocking true bliss?” Is America so focused on pathologizing sadness and so set on medicating us all into “happy” states, that we’re cutting ourselves off from some of the richness of life–which includes being sad?

Well, let’s see. True bliss. Whew. Big concept. Definitions: state of extreme happiness, ecstasy–a state of being carried away by overwhelming emotion. That second one rings a bell for me.

Have you felt bliss, seen it in your life? Was that it, that moment of powerful, transcendent connection between you and your beloved during sex? Was that it, holding that little baby in your arms and feeling like you now understand the meaning of life? Was it the time you got that bad news about your job and suddenly felt your dog lean against your leg and put her head on your knee?

Was it the moment you arrived home from your job and found your sister with Alzheimer’s had set the table for you for dinner–something that normally never crossed her mind? What about the day your 11-year-old daughter welcomed you home from work on your birthday with balloons and signs all over proclaiming what a special day it was?

Was that bliss when you found out you had to have surgery and a long-lost friend wrote you a card that was so beautiful you cried? Did you feel it the day your father died? Was it a private time writing in your journal when you saw yourself clearly with all your faults and your good points–and felt complete peace and acceptance for that one moment?

I had a moment of crystal clarity once when I was 21 years old, living in England and alone for a month because my then-new-husband had gone off to Amsterdam. I told myself it was a revelation and that I should write it down. Now, several decades later, I still think the insight is a good one: Happiness is not a place you get to. It’s what happens to you on your way.

And now I’d add, and it includes many of those defining moments of desolation, loss, and sadness.

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Barbara Payne, July 7th 2008 | Posted in grief, happiness, journal writing, sadness, the blues

Singles-Myth-Buster dePaulo uses humor to raise awareness

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We love what Bella DePaulo is doing to fight the stereotypes assigned to single people, especially women. We’ve reviewed her book here and interviewed her for the SWWAN Dive radio show. Her scientific research is invaluable to the cause of SWWAN.

Now you have a chance to tune in to her Psychology Today blog and help her create a new way to help society recognize and get past its hangups about single women. Check it out and see if you can think of some entertaining questions for her new idea: The New SAT – Singles Aptitude Test

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Barbara Payne, July 6th 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized

Women have to be twice as good…

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I’ve seen some amazing catches in baseball, volleyball, and football over the years. This just may top them all…and the young WOMAN who catches this ball isn’t even getting paid to play. ENJOY!

Oh, yeah, and have a wonderful love-and-fun-filled Fourth.

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Barbara Payne, July 2nd 2008 | Posted in amazing catch, ball girl video, baseball, women twice as good

4 am awake

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Do you ever wake up at 3:30 or 4 in the morning and can't get back to sleep? What do you do when the 4-am-eyes-wide-open-can't-find-a-relaxed-way-to-hold-your-legs times hit?

Do you wonder about a dream you just had? Or start worrying about a work issue, or maybe a personal relationship with a friend or family member? Or maybe, since you're faced with all this empty time before you have to get up and get started, you do all of those, cycling through them one by one.

This early-morning wakefulness seems to start happening more often as we grow older. Maybe we don't need as much sleep, but I know I always feel an odd sense of comfort when the subject comes up and someone else admits it happens to them, too.

At 4 am you can wonder about how the birds get started so early. You can examine your thoughts and get some distance from them–more easily, it seems, than when you're wakeful at midnight or 2 am. But then again, I'm a morning person. Maybe it's the opposite for night people.

Or maybe, if you like to write, you write in your journal or your blog. And hope what you're writing will still make sense when the sun comes up.

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Barbara Payne, June 30th 2008 | Posted in Uncategorized

Scholarships for single moms!

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It may seem like an impossible dream – to get a degree while raising your kids solo. I was blessed to have found Capital University back when I was trying to finish my degree as a single working mom. At least they only required me to show up in class once in two weeks and allowed me to create portfolios for course content that I’d already learned in my life and business career. They also, bless their hearts, allowed me to use coursework taken many, many years before towards my credits.

But now there’s even a better way for single moms to go back to college. Elearners.com is partnering with several online universities for “Project Working Mom” – offering $2 million in full-ride scholarships. Options for majors can be anything from English lit to business and classes are online.

August 30 is the deadline for applications, so if you’ve been dreaming of getting that degree, log on and sign up.

Meanwhile, I think we ought to think of a new way to evaluate people’s learning. Some of the very smartest people I know never got degrees. Gotta be a way. Suggestions, anyone?

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Barbara Payne, June 26th 2008 | Posted in college scholarships, elearning, single moms

DOES it get better than this?

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I remember once seeing a newspaper article taped to someone’s refrigerator. It was a well-written article talking about a commercial that glorified a just-the-guys’ weekend–can’t remember if it was hunting or fishing or camping. The main thing was, they had their beer and each other. And the tagline was “It doesn’t get any better than this.”

The author of the article, a man, went on to say how inappropriate he thought that tagline was. He talked about his relationships with his children, and particularly with his wife, and how that’s the sort of image that really belongs with a tagline like that.

I remember having a brief discussion with my father about this. And what a point of difference we had–it just showed that we were living/thinking/breathing on such different planes that it was a miracle we could ever cross the divide and reach each others’ minds.

We’re going to be interviewing Dr. Karen Gail Lewis on our SWWAN Dive radio show on July 17. Her book, “With or Without a Man,” is a sensitive analysis of what it really means to be single. She’s a professional therapist/counselor, a single woman herself, and she’ll talk frankly about both the bad and the good parts of being single.

“7 Shocking Truths Every Single (or Single Again) Woman Must Know” mark your calendar to join us on that call. Her stories are fascinating, and her advice is perceptive and wise. You might already know everything she’s going to say. But sometimes it’s exquisitely rewarding to share your dreams, hopes, fears and joys with others.

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Barbara Payne, June 25th 2008 | Posted in abusive relationships, busy single working women, Dr. Karen Gail Lewis, state of being single, SWWAN Dive radio show, women relationship with father
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